False Hope with New Beginnings
by Ryuichi-Tohma
Summary: On hold until life gets a little less busy. We apologize greatly everyone. We'll back ASAP.
1. Plane Swept

**False Hope with New Beginnings**

Hi everyone, this story is going to be written by two people. One is me (Layn), which I will be doing Tohma PoV, and my friend will be Amanda will be Ryuichi PoV. We have completely different writing styles, so don't forget we are two different people; this will add more effect to the PoV. People always say I am like Tohma and they always say she's the naïve sort like Ryu, which I don't know if that is true but a lot of people agree. The chapters will be the dividers of the PoV. Ohhh one more thing, when PoV changes it will go back to the beginning of the last chapter, but in their point of view ohhh you'll get what I mean.

Anyway Enjoy!

Disclaimer: The story is ours, but the characters and Gravitation on a whole own by Maki Murakami.

WARNINGS: Yaoi (guy/guy) Content, pairings Yuki/Ryuichi Tohma/? (Not sure what we'll do with him). Shuichi is DEAD so if you don't like, read anyway you might like how this is done.

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Plane Swept (Ch1) (Tohma PoV)

Running my finger over the cold rim of the whiskey glass, I look out the window of the plane. So much has happened in the last hours. Seems surreal, it really doesn't matter, if Eiri needs me I'll do anything, I love him too much not to. Continuing to look out over the sky, scanning the horizon seeing it's limitless infinite in its entire splendor, 'nothing compared to my Eiri' I think to my self.

"Tohma! You shouldn't be drinking so much! Bad, bad! You're not going to be able to help Eiri-san if you're toppled over!" I saw him look at me with concern. "Tohma…please, talk to Ryu-chan!"

I motion for a waitress with my head. "It's hard not to drink, when I think of my Eiri in such a state, but I will stop" setting the glass softly on the cart as it goes by. I look out the window.

"Thank you Tohma…" I start to zone out as he talks; going back to the moment I heard all of this.

**_Flash back_ **

"Hello" I say groggily as I pick up the phone, wiping the sleep from my eyes.

"This is a Long distance phone Call, if you would like to accept the charges press 1" the operator said

Pressing the 1 on the pad, a frantic but scared voice comes on "Mr. President something has happened" 'hostile take over' I think.

"Mr. Sakano, I am not the President of NG anymore, you are" I hear Ryu rustling in the covers next to me. "This better be important, you are waking up Ryuichi-san"

"Shuichi-chan has committed suicide" I dropped the phone

"Tohma…?" Ryuichi in a meek voice

I pause and think of one thing and one thing only, Eiri. I whipped off the covers picked up the phone and set it gently on the base without saying goodbye. "We are leaving immediately" I set into motion, rushing over to the closet hearing Ryuichi agree. 'Walk-in closet' I think quietly to my self, what could be more me. Choosing a sleek, tight black leather trench coat; a pair of dress slack and an ocean blue dress shirt, a pair of Brono Magli Bishops, and a fine white silk scarf, which fades into a light blue at the tips. Slipping on everything a quick manner that I would criticize my self later for, I grab my prepared suitcase and leave to see Ryu working out stuff for his suitcase. "Ryu, we need to hurry, please" I say quickly, while walking to the phone to make arrangements. I call the only person I know who can get me to Japan as fast as possible, K.

"Tohma? What's going on? Why was Sakano-san talking to you?" I hear from behind me

"K, I will need what we discussed a while back" I say to the answering machine and hang up. Leaving the room I turn for a moment to regard Ryu, "I'll tell you on the way to K-san's, Ryu. Now please finish getting dressed. And don't worry about packing."

Sitting in the Mercedes, I think about all the stuff that has been laid in my lap to do, and the only person I am doing this for is my Eiri. I didn't like Shuichi at all, but he made Eiri happy, more than I could have done I guess, but not like he ever allowed me to try.

I start the black sports car waiting for Ryu… why now would Shuichi-san do this. He wouldn't, not to Eiri.

Ryuichi came barreling out of the door with his suit-case packed, a few clothes hanging out of the sides from the rush. 'I will have to prepare him a suit case next time'

I speed out of the garage barely missing the garage door as it goes up and continue to K's.

"Tohma…can you tell me what happened now?" Ryuichi says in a worried voice. Continuing to go through traffic like it's not even there "Tohma?"

My thoughts come at me trying to say the perfect thing to Ryu but to be truthful, maybe even blunt, it's hard to figure out to say something about a death about someone so dear to him "Ryu…it will be fine, no worries but, Mr. Sakano informed me that Mr. Shindou has committed suicide."

I have never seen his personality change so quickly at that moment, the sad look frozen in time. Something I never wanted to see again.

I count the seconds before he speaks "What…?" I see his hands move to his stomach, he is probably feeling a bit queasy. "Tohma…why?"

I take a moment to think, nothing seems plausible to him committing suicide, and he was too joyous. "I really don't know why he would do it, so I feel there is something not right in this whole situation. He loved Eiri too much to do something like that."

"…but…" the look on his face is still there, "Then what…then who…but…who would do that? …I don't understand…"

"Who knows the cruelty of man." As I turn into K's drive way.

_**FB ending**_

'Hmmm seems the phrase of man kind, very few truly do know another's cruelty unless they witness the person first hand.'

I look at my best friend, the bags under his eyes state his fatigue over his exuberance of energy. "You should get some rest, Ryu. We will need all the strength we can get."

"But what about Tohma!?"

"I'll be fine. No worries." My motto, my mantra.

He let's out a little pout, then falls to sleep almost instantly.

Staring out over the beautiful sky I realize the tribulations are only about to come.

_Fin de chapitre

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Well there's one chapter done we'll update our chapters two at a time, one mine one Amanda's. Please R&R I love everything from the fame to the flame(trust me no one's flame is brighter than mine). We'll try to get another one ASAP._


	2. Plane Ride Na no da!

False Hope with New Beginnings 

Wee! This is Amanda speaking dudes and dudettes! This going to be coooool! Umm…well enjoy, this will be Ryu's PoV! Yay! Kuma-chan!!!! .

Disclaimer: The story is ours, but the characters and Gravitation on a whole own by Maki Murakami.

WARNINGS: Yaoi(guy/guy) Content, pairings Yuki/Ryuichi Tohma/?(not sure what we'll do with him). Shuichi is DEAD so if you don't like, read anyway you might like how this is done. Disclaimer: The story is ours, but the characters and Gravitation on a whole own by Maki Murakami.

Plane Ride (Na no da!) Chapter 2:

I sat there watching Tohma…oh man he's already being bad! "Tohma! You shouldn't be drinking so much! Bad, bad! You're not going to be able to help Eiri-san if you're toppled over!" It's sad seeing Tohma look so hurt and…well…sad… "Tohma…please, talk to Ryu-chan!" He just keeps sitting there like a potato. Tohma…

"It's hard not to drink to think of my Eiri in such a state, but I will stop" he put the drink down on the shinny metal cart that our waitress was pushing. Suddenly I wanted him to pick it back up…at least he'd be moving…looking alive…Anything!

"Thank you Tohma…" I look down. Why did Shu-chan do this to Eiri-san…I don't believe it…why would he? …he was always so shinny, so happy. I don't believe it! "I don't believe it Tohma…why would Shu-chan do that to Eiri-san…he loved him so much…would he really…do that?" I almost did…what am I saying…after Youmi died…I guess I shouldn't be yelling at Tohma…I did a lot worse things after that…Tohma was really the only one who saved me…so I don't understand why he always puts himself down. "Tohma?" I'm worrying now…he's so quiet…he looks really pale…poor Tohma…poor Eiri-san. I can't believe all of this happened…

**_Flash Back_******

Mmmmn…sleepy, sleepy…why is Tohma on the phone right now? ….frantic mumbling? …Kuma tell me who it is…who? Sakano-san? Wait Kuma, why would Sakano-san be talking to Tohma? …something's wrong? What? I sit up looking over at Tohma who has a grim face…he looks like he's going to cry… "Tohma?" He doesn't look at me…I suddenly fear the worst…what's Sakano-san telling Tohma? Suddenly Tohma drops the phone. Now I fear the worst. "Tohma?"

He's staring forward…Tohma…look at me please…what happened? Tohma's now throwing the covers off and putting the phone back. He didn't even say goodbye… "We are leaving immediately."

"Ok Tohma…" I get up slowly and Tohma runs out to go dress himself. Something must be really, _really_ wrong. I pick Kuma off the floor. "What do you think is wrong Kuma?"

I take my shirt off. I go to my dresser and pick a black shirt with a pretty tiger on the side…it's one of my favorites, huh Kuma? I pull it over my head and Tohma jogs in with his stuff…already packed? Kuma…is that possible? Well…I never have been in that closet of his…

"Ryu, we need to hurry, please." You look sad Tohma…

"Tohma? What's going on? Why was Sakano-san talking to you?" He turns from me.

"I'll tell you on the way to K-san's, Ryu. Now please finish getting dressed. And don't worry about packing." He goes out the door…this is not good Kuma…

_5 minuets later_

I sit in the car with patients. We're going to K's house. I really want to know what's going on! This curiosity is tearing me up! "Tohma…can you tell me what happened now?"

Tohma's driving fast, but yet, everything is still calm to me. Tohma has that aura I guess.

I'm watching him closely. I want him to answer! "Tohma?"

He sighs and I see him look at me out of the corner of his eye. "Ryu…it will be fine, no worries but, Mr. Sakano informed me that Mr. Shindou has committed suicide."

I freeze. "What…?" I feel sick…is this a joke? Tell me this is a joke Kuma! But…Tohma wouldn't lie to me…oh god no…Kuma…why would Shu-chan do that!? I feel tears trailing down my face. "Tohma…why?"

"I really don't know why he would do it, so I feel there is something not right in this whole situation. He loved Eiri too much to do something like that."

He's right but… "…but…" I'm confused…Shuichi is too shiny for that…it's not right…I know Tohma's right but…then what happened… "Then what…then who…but…who would do that? …I don't understand…"

"Who knows the cruelty of man." That's harsh…but too true…

_End Flash back_

Who does know the cruelty of man? …Kuma do you know?

"You should get some rest, Ryu. We will need all the strength we can get."

"But what about Tohma!?"

"I'll be fine. No worries."

OWARI

Oooh! The cliff hanger! Will they find Eiri-san? Or not? What if Eiri has committed suicide? OOOOOOOHHHH! Find out! R&R! Even flames. They're toasty! We can sing camp fire songs! .


	3. Mixing Up Emotions

_False Hope with New Beginnings_

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters once again! Oh but there is also another disclaimer I'd like to add. I us certain "quotes" and certain "lyrics" from a certain "game" that is also not mine and I'm just using it because that's what Ryuichi does when he's at Eiri's house. He plays a certain "game" that is not mine and I'd just like to point that out so no one sues me for that either. No characters mentioned in this chapter and in the "game" part are mine so please don't take my money! (which is nothing… ( :( )

Hello again! Amanda here. So here's the deal, we'll switch back and forth with who starts off the chapters each time. In other words, last time Tohma started the chapter off, now, it's Ryu's turn! So here we go! Chapter three of our story. Yay!

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Chapter 3: Mixing Up Emotions

Bumpy, bumpy, bumpy! Why are plane landings so bumpy? What? What do you mean they have to be Kuma? Oh…that's true…ok. "We're here right Tohma?" The last time we got off we were still in America. San Diego, I think.

"Yes Ryu, we are here," he's already getting up. I don't think that's safe when a plane's still moving.

"Tohma! You're gunna get hurt standing up! You'll fall!" Right Kuma?

"No worries Ryu, we're not moving all that fast. I will not fall."

I sigh…why does Tohma have to be so stubborn. "Ok Tohma…" I guess I shouldn't yell at him. He's really worried about Eiri-san. I am too. It's not nice to lose someone so close…I know, I know Kuma. I should stop there. I sigh…again. And now we've stopped moving. I'll get up now. Let's see…pull on this and…POP! "Hehe…" I like that noise.

"Come on Ryu, we have to go get our stuff."

"Ok…" Time to find Eiri-san. I get up. I follow Tohma. Why is he so fast? He must mega, _super_ worried. This isn't good Kuma. I can already tell it's going to be a loooong night.

Five minuets later 

Stuff, stuff, heavy stuff! And why is Tohma going so fast? I hate to complain Kuma but we've been walking around for a while. Wait…how are we going to get to the car anyway? …do we even have a car? "Tohma…do we even have a car?"

"Yes, we have to go pick it up right now."

"Ok, Tohma…" I quicken my pace. I wonder where we're going to look for Eiri-san first…I hope he's not outside though. I look up and see very un-shinny clouds covering the sun…this is definitely going to be an un-shinny day…

At Eiri's house 

"Eiri?" we walk into Eiri-san's house only to find it empty and cold. There are no lights and it's really dark.

I clutch Kumagaro closer to me. I hate the dark. It's so un-shinny with a capital "u."

I hear Tohma walking around the unlit house. He turns on a light. I breathe out from holding my breath.

"…I guess Eiri-san's not here Tohma," I watch him as he weaves in and out the rooms.

After coming out of one last door, he sighs and then looks over at me. "No, he is not, Ryu."

"Then Tohma and Ryu-chan will go find Eiri-san!" I smile with confidence at him. Tohma really needs it right now…I can see the worry on his face.

"I don't think we should both be going to look for Eiri, Ryu," he pauses for a second. "He might just be briefly out. He could come back."

"Then Kumagaro and Ryu-chan will go find him! Tohma should stay here and rest, na no da!"

"Actually Ryuichi, I think I should go look for Eiri."

"But Tohma looks tired, na no da! Tohma didn't sleep on the plane!"

"You know with Eiri gone somewhere I couldn't rest anyway."

"Uh…" I stop…ooh! Darn it! He always gets me! "Fine, na no da!" I pout, I don't like being stumped.

I hear Tohma sigh at me again. "Ryu, don't pout. It will be fine. You stay here and rest. Eiri might come back home and someone will need to be here, right?"

I'm still pouting. "…yes…"

"And I can trust you with that. Because I know you would call me the instant he walked in the door."

"…oh alright Tohma…" I turn back to him. "Kumagaro and Ryu-chan will stay here so if Eiri-san comes back, we can call you…"

He smiles at me. "Good, thank you Ryuichi," he turns to the door.

"But Tohma will come back in a while, right?" I stare at him. I'm concerned. It's raining really hard out there…

"Yes, of course I will Ryu. I'll call you too in a few hours whether I find him or not," he gets to the door and turns the handle. "See you later, Ryuichi," he goes out the door and I hear a car door open then shut as the engine starts and fades down the street.

I sigh as well. This isn't exactly how we planed today to go, huh Kuma? "First Sakano-san calls two days ago in New York, then the few minutes that I don't know what was going on, then…?" I pause. Kumagaro? What did happen after that? Oh yeah! I remember now! We went…

Flash Back 

Vroom! Vroom! Bumpy, bumpy, goes the car on Judy-san's driveway! "Tohma…what are we doing at Judy-san's and K's house?"

"We're here for the finishing touches, so we can go to Japan," Tohma gets out and I follow.

"Oh, ok," I follow Tohma to the front door where right in the bars of the screen is an envelope that says "As planned Tohma"

Tohma takes it and opens it up to also find a note in side. I like notes!

"Tohma! I want to read it, na no da!" I snatch the letter and begin to read.

_Tohma and Ryuichi,_

_Hey guys! . Sorry I missed you. There is a movie I'm working on right now. Thank goodness Claude contacted me before I left this morning. So here are the plane tickets the quickest ones we could get at such short notice not that they're not for today but it'll cost you 50 minute ohhh well.. sorry I couldn't chat. _

_Lots of love! ._

_Judy Winchester_

I blink twice. Ok, that's simple I guess…Kumagaro…did you know women talk too much? I hand it back to Tohma who quickly scans it and then folds it, putting it back properly into the envelope. "We go now Tohma?"

He nods at me. "Yes, Ryuichi. We're going now."

"Yay! Back to Japan, na no da!" I run back to the car and watch as Tohma climbs in as well and starts up the car. I sigh. It's going to be a loooong ride to Japan…

Flash back end 

I'm laying on the couch in Eiri-san's living room. This is really the only place I feel like I can be…I don't like wondering people's houses when I'm not really invited. I wouldn't even be laying down actually, but…I'm tired.

My eyes are closed and I'm starting to fall into my dreams, but it bothers me that I keep hearing a ringing sound in them. Oh wait… "Oh!" I quickly get up. Ooh…dizzy, dizzy…but I shake it off and rush to the telephone. I wonder if it's Tohma already…

I pick up the receiver. "Hi, na no da!"

"…Hello? Umm…is Eiri there?"

"Oh! Mika-chan, na no da!" I smile. I like Mika-chan, she's shinny!

"Oh Hello, Ryuichi! How are you?

"I'm great, na no da! Never better! What about Mika-chan?"

"I'm a little worried, but other than that, I'm fine."

"Why is Mika-chan worried?"

"I've been trying to get a hold of Eiri all day. And he has either been ignoring me all till now, or has been gone all day."

"Oh…well Tohma's looking all over Tokyo right now, na no da! So don't worry Mika-chan. Tohma will find Eiri-san."

"Tohma's looking?"

"Uh-huh," I nod my head.

"…then I have no worries. I'm sure if anyone can find Eiri, it's Tohma"

"Yup!"

"Alright then Ryuichi. Talk to you later. You will call me when Tohma finds Eiri, won't you?"

"Of course Mika, na no da!"

"Thank you, Ryuichi. You take care."

"You too Mika!"

"I will. Bye."

"Bye, bye, na no da!" I hang up the phone. Mika's so nice most of the time. Though…she's been a little depressed…ever since Tohma and her got a divorce…I stretch and groan. "Ooh, that feels good, na no da…" I crack my neck. I must be getting old…I go over to the couch and sit back down, picking up Kumagaro. "What do you think, Kuma?"

He just stares at me…he's so mean sometimes! "Well fine Kuma! I won't tell you when you're getting old either!" …what do you mean that's ok?

"Hmph!" I put Kumagaro on the couch and turn away. "I'm mad at you now!"

He doesn't say a word.

"Fine…" as I'm looking away from Kuma, I'm looking around the room. It's quite empty and boring actually. Doesn't Eiri-san have anything that would be fun to play with? That's when I spot my savior from boredom or too much sleep. "PS2!"

I run over to the black box and TV. I wonder what kind of games there are…I look at a stack of video games and begin to look through them. Soul Calibur II…wee Spyro! …hmm…Final Fantasy X…X2…I gasp. "KINGDOM HEARTS!" I'm sooooooo playing this one! I scoot closer to the TV and turn on the PS2 pushing the little button that opens the disc holder thingy. I then put in perhaps one of the best vid games around and close the holder thing again.

"And you can't play Kuma!" I know that's mean but he's being mean too, so he gets a time out.

"Let's see," I grab the controller and push the "x" button for a new game. Yay! I get to see the fabulous video! …I wonder if it's in Japanese or English…

"I've been having these weird thoughts lately…" 

"English!" Hmm…I wonder where Shuichi or Eiri-san got it?

"…_Like is any of this real, or not?"_

I always liked that question…because it's a good question…every time I look in the mirror, I feel the exact same way…is life real? Or is it a dream?

Ooh! 

I always did love this song…and the video is awesome. So surreal…that's how my life is sometimes.

You're getting me too many things 

_Lately you're all I need_

_You smiled at me and said,_

I always wondered who was a pairing in this game…Riku and Sora…most definitely…it'd be strange if they weren't

Don't get me wrong I love you 

_But does that mean I have to meet your father?_

_When we are older you'll understand_

_What I meant when I said "No_

_I don't think life is quite that simple"_

I don't really like Kairi…she's kinda bossy…oh well…

When you walk away 

_You don't here me say please_

_Oh baby, don't go_

_Simple and clean is the way that you're making me feel tonight_

_It's hard to let it go_

This reminds me…so much of Youmi and me…so much…it hurts my heart to think about it…

Hold me 

_Whatever lies beyond this morning_

_Is a little later on_

_Regardless of warnings the future doesn't scare me at all_

_Nothing's like before_

Nothing is like before…

Hold me 

_Whatever lies beyond this morning_

_Is a little later on_

_Regardless of warnings the future doesn't scare me at all_

_Nothing's like before_

_Ooh!_

"……" I stare intently as Sora falls through the liquid darkness to the platform with Snow White and the doves fly of into the black horizon. I could really see this a hundred times over. It's the perfect beginning to a perfect story. A wonderful place to start Sora's journey through the winding paths of his heart and maybe even right now, the start of mine…

A few hours later 

Ok not good. I'm already in Hollow Bastion and I have not heard a word from Tohma…I'm a little scared now…I dare not look at the time…I sigh. "Oh well…I guess really shouldn't worry about Tohma too much," I mean…it is Tohma we're talking about here, right? I nod. "Right," even Kuma agrees. Ok then…

I go back to focusing. Trying to beat Riku without concentration is pretty hard…

"Finally! Yay I beat Riku! …again…" I've lost count how many times I've played this game…oh well. Every time I find something new or more hints as to why Riku and Sora just work so well as a couple. I shake my head. "Anyway…" there's actually a reason why I like this game more than the others…it's because it's story is easily related to. I mean…I don't have a key blade and I've never had to save the world but…I don't it's hard to think about I guess. But this game is like…a mirror of my life…so many problems, the lose of friends and the people close to you. It's all so true…hmm…I wonder if Tohma feels the same way about this game…he reminds me of a few characters in this…I have way too much time on my hands. At least…it keeps me from doing anything that might someone else or myself…like…Shuichi…speaking of; I go to get up and turn off the game till I hear the door open and right there I see Tohma and Eiri…my god…he looks-

"Shu…ichi?"

"What…?"

_Owari_

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Whelp that's it for this chapter! Review please! I promise this time we got our thing fixed so people can actually review! Oh, and thanks to Queen Yuki for reviewing, that was really nice of you! Thanks, see you next time in Ryu's mind! . 


	4. Emotional Baggage

False Hope with New Beginnings

Well here's my second shot at this. Hopefully it'll be better than my last chapter. Ummm let's see here, check out Amanda's other story, it's off to a pretty good start, and I will have a new story up soon (hopefully). Thanks to the reviews, I'll try to write some more, writers block has come on just like the recent depression I have been in, I broke up with my boyfriend, he was basically Shuichi, so consider a Tohma/Shuichi pairing, yeah not good. So I basically have been just trying to cope with everything... I just sad down and tried to write, every time I did I couldn't... till I found my inspiration, all I have to do is keep his picture in my mind . Well here it goes. Ohhh and I try to incorporate all the information from the previous mangas, but old info does slip through, like don't know if Tohma's kid is a girl or a boy, so I'll Improvise(I have read the 12th manga)

_Appréciez!_

In dedication to Jordon...

Disclaimer: The story is ours, but the characters and Gravitation on a whole is own by Maki Murakami and Tokyo Pop.

WARNINGS: Yaoi (guy/guy) Content, pairings Yuki/Ryuichi Tohma? (Not sure what we'll do with him). Shuichi is DEAD so if you don't like, read anyway you might like how this is done.

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Chapter 4: Emotional Baggage

Waiting for the tires to touch ground, I continue to think about him, my Eiri. 'It's was always my fault he gets hurt'. The jerk of the plane signals the landing. "We're here right Tohma?" Ryuichi asks me.

Wasting no time I am up out of my seat taking no time. "Yes Ryu, we are here". Moving by him, I try to hasten my pace.

"Tohma! You're gunna get hurt standing up! You'll fall!" he nags at me. I just look at him, but don't stop.

"No worries Ryu, we're not moving all that fast. I will not fall." Continuing on by, I hear him sigh.

Zoning out, I grab my suitcase and get off the plane. The question from Ryuichi snaps me out of my daze "Tohma…do we even have a car?"

"Yes, we have to go pick it up right now." I look up at the clouds overhead, seems pretty trivial, yet so fitting. I'll be the one doing the finding in this weather… It's his favorite type, rainy.

"Ok, Tohma…" I notice he keeps trying to keep up by quickening his pace. When we finally get to the car he's still hefting his suit case. I take it with one hand and put into the trunk, setting mine lightly on top. Unlocking the door, I slip in keeping pulling back my open trench coat slightly. Grabbing the envelope in the passenger's side I take out Eiri's house key, K always had one ready… I had been prepared a long time ago for an event like this.

Flashback

Tapping my fingernail on the desk I stare at the door waiting for him. My eyes pillage every inch of the room looking for some entertainment or something to clear my writers block. I take one look at the letter I was writing a few hours ago. 'Work never last to keep me occupied' pressing the enter key on the computer near my desk, I look over the new lyrics I had typed up 'it's easier to type up lyrics than to write a letter to someone'. Placing notes where they should go to complement each word in rhythm. Finally the door opens to the guest I was waiting for. "Seguchi, you wanted to see me?" Walking in, blond hair waving as he walked, sliding into the chair opposite my desk.

"Yes K, we need to talk about something important, yet beyond business." Standing up, I turn to take in what I was about to leave. "It concerns my absence, for who knows how long, maybe I'll never come back" Watching some cars go by.

"And what you need is obvious; you want me to look after Eiri" So close but no cigar.

"Not exactly," waving my hand as if to clear the thought "the fact is I need to be prepared if anything happens, in case he needs me." Looking out over the city lights, nothing seems so beautiful at night. "That's why I require you, I know plane tickets can be achieved quickly by Judy, and you can watch over things and have everything I ask for here. It won't be much, just a key and a car at the airport when I get back…" I pause for a moment "if I come back"

Stopping for a moment to collect my thoughts "do you know why I am leaving?"

Pausing for a moment, chin in thumb and forefinger "It's either Mika or Eiri, both of which would push you to the ends of the earth" sliding his hand back to the chair arm "so considering you, both"

'General, but right', "Yes they are both the reason why I am leaving, but to be specific I am no longer needed by them... Ryuichi will want me around while he starts his acting"

Almost getting out of his seat "you are still important Tohma Seguchi, and very much needed by both of them and your child!" almost yelling, 'funny unless I say my unimportance he never raises his voice or questions me' I think musingly.

"K, calm yourself" I start slowly hoping he'll loosen the grip on the chair arms, 'knowing him, he'd pull some weapon on me if it wasn't me', "I am not needed at the present time, both Mika and Eiri are leading the lives they wanted for a long time. Eiri and Shuichi are now living comfortably without issues, and Mika has found a man who unlike me is more equipped to her needs, a surprise on us to have a child with just a few times" K smirks at that comment.

"The gay Tohma? Professing he's had intercourse with a woman, who would have thought" Smiling at his remarks knowing full well the feathers he plucked.

"Only a few times" giving him a stern look even though it was half hearted towards the very good friend "But they weren't bad times, for her at least, that's all that matters to me"

Shaking his head "That's the first time you have ever said you actually had sex with her, though we all know you did because the kid looks just like you, but still" shaking his head " how did you guys stay married for as long as you did?"

"Love, though that may be a hard concept for people, love has little to do sex, a love of friendship, marriages have been built on less" walking over to the couch, I lay down, resting my head on the cushion 'a leather couch, black and cold, it's the epitome of what I would have'. Brushing the hair out of my eyes I look at the blond who stares back at me.

"They'll ask questions, what should I tell them about your leaving"

"Ryuichi is coming with, say it's for him, his acting after all, besides Sakano will be in charge of NG while I am gone, he'll accept your answer, and he is to call if something happens" resting for a moment, silence permeates the air for a moment. Then K gets up and walks to the door.

"I assume this meeting is over"

I look at him and snap out of the zone I was in "Yes, take care K" turning the knob, he takes one step out before I say "K, please take care of the kid for me while I am gone"

"I am sure Mika will take care of that"

Once he had left I got back up and went to my desk, and then thoughts came surging into my head, taking my pen up again I continue the letter I was trying to finish earlier 'I guess writers block leaves when something that needs to be said is spoken'

_Flashback end_

Ryuichi came flopping into the passenger side when I started the ignition. Pulling out I continue to the first place he might be, his house.

Taking no time to get to his house I pull up into the driveway. Slipping the key out I walk right up to the door and insert the key, Ryuichi still huffing and puffing behind me. Walking in, everything is dark with all the shades closed, knowing the place better than most and not having ever been in his new house.

"Eiri?" I call out hoping to hear his voice 'It's been too long'. 'He gets new ones so often, must do it just keep me away'. I move quickly to his room, 'it's colder than he likes it in here'. Inside I see broken pictures and anything else that can be clothes strewn every where as if he just didn't care, picking up a broken picture frame, 'a picture of them, I am glad he found him for what little time he did'. I stare at it for a quick moment realizing how much I was never missed, 'He never smiled with me, never put his arm around me'. Setting it back down in the place it should have been I move through out each room, more things broken. "…I guess Eiri-san's not here Tohma," I hear in the background. Then I get to Shuichi's room, nothing was touched, everything in perfect order 'that would explain why everything around the living room is not touched either, it was more Shuichi than him'. Walking back out I see Ryuichi puffing out his cheeks trying to figure out what to do. 'He never knows what to do in another person's house'. "No, he is not, Ryu."

He puts on a smile I know very well, the smile he uses when I am feeling worried about Eiri 'Is it that obvious?' already knowing the answer. "Then Tohma and Ryu-chan will go find Eiri-san!"

'Always thinking currently, never to the future' I think quietly, "I don't think we should both be going to look for Eiri, Ryu," correcting him "He might just be briefly out. He could come back"

Raising his arm in enthusiasm, "Then Kumagaro and Ryu-chan will go find him! Tohma should stay here and rest, na no da!", 'He's always trying to look out for me, but he never fully quite grasps that my job to look after everyone else'.

Shaking my head as if to defeat the suggestion, but also to dismiss my own thoughts "Actually Ryuichi, I think I should go look for Eiri." I hear his protest before it even comes out.

"But Tohma looks tired, na no da! Tohma didn't sleep on the plane!", 'Sleep, I don't sleep often, he knows my work and my friends keep me wake, so does the worry'.

Waiting a second to clear my thoughts "You know with Eiri gone somewhere I couldn't rest anyway." Seeing the determined look on his face turn to a defeated glaze proves my words still have some force in this world.

"Uh…Fine, na no da!" putting out his lip 'always uses that moping attitude when forced by me'.

Sighing in frustration at this whole situation "Ryu, don't pout. It will be fine. You stay here and rest. Eiri might come back home and someone will need to be here, right?"

"…yes…" the pout never leaving his face.

"And I can trust you with that. Because I know you would call me the instant he walked in the door" nodding in a manner as if talking to a child. 'I know I can trust him, he just needs the affirmation of it'

"…oh alright Tohma… Kumagaro and Ryu-chan will stay here so if Eiri-san comes back, we can call you…"

Realizing that I was bend over slightly to get to his eye level, I straiten up and turn towards the door."Good, thank you Ryuichi," 'I hope that will help soften his worries over me'

"But Tohma will come back in a while, right?" The question stopped me, the though ran through my mind for a second, 'I don't know how long this will take, I won't be back unless I find him. How long will that take?'

Without facing him I reply "Yes, of course I will Ryu. I'll call you too in a few hours whether I find him or not," 'only to help him feel comforted... seems like a first reaction for anyone I care for anymore'. When my hand tightens around the knob another though hits my mind, would he do this for me, would anyone besides Ryuichi do this for me. For some reason that angered me, "See you later, Ryuichi," I quickly step out, not wanting a reply from the ever curious friend.

Walking down the slick steps down to the car, thoughts of where he would be surge through my brain as if struck by lightning, only two places seem plausible, Shuichi's studio, and his grave. Tipping my hat forward letting the excess rain drip from brim, I open the car door, I sit in the seat for a moment listening to the 'patter' of the rain on the windshield, starting it I turn on the window wipers, and start down the road to a place I never thought I would see again, NG.

Only fifteen minute in to the drive I see the the towering building of NG, the letters put at the top in neon green letters like a jewel in a crown. Driving up to the parking garage of NG I slid down the window to reach for the keypad used to open the gates, pushing the buttons, knowing the combination like the back of my hand, on the pad reminded me how much I missed the place. Pulling into the parking garage, slipping out leaving the keys in the car knowing it won't matter in my own company.

The glass sliding doors open as I approach, the receptionist looks up at the sound of my shoes clicking on the white tiles, the face looks unnerved at the sight of an unfamiliar face, "May I help you..." stopping mid-sentence, her face changes from one of stern questioning to that of awe as she recognize who I am, she looks down as if in respect for a hero, I was back, the president of NG was finally back.

Walking right past the desk I walk up to the elevator and punch in the security codes, and get on, my code was a master code that only I knew, though there were several codes similar to mine, mine in the end overrides the others. Pressing the button to the forty-third floor I waited for a second as the the numbers quickly changed.

The elevator doors opened to Bad Lucks practicing studio, and hallways leading off in different directions to their private studios. Taking the hallway to the left I walk down to the door and knock first, all i hear is a mummer of someone behind the door, walking in without thinking in my haste to find Eiri I walk in. Confronted by hand grabbing my collar, a yelling person I can't quite make out in the dark say "who are you, what are you doing here". Pushing him on his back with little effort, I flip the switch right next to me. The blinding light flashes on exposing who I am, the fallen man seeing who the intruder is look on in terror.

Seeing the tear streaked face of the red head brought on pity "None other than your boss Mr. Nagano, you're not who I expected to be here". Kneeling down near a grief stricken Hiro, I grab around his waist, putting his arm around my neck to support him.

"You're tired, you should lay down", Walking him out to the studio and walk him down another hallway to the bed room area of the suite. He was easy to maneuver in this tired state, I led him to a bed meant for those who spend all nighters working. Setting him down on the bed. I start to take off his shoes.

His voice wakes me from my job of helping him get undressed. "Why did he do it?"

I look at his eye, now not crying "You believe he committed suicide?" 'what had happened to make his best friend believe that he would take his own life' unbuttoning his shirt while in the process.

"He left a letter, it was his hand writing, it said things only Shuichi knew about... not just about one person either" That surprised me(rarely does that happen)... no one said anything about that. "Why are you here doing this for me?" Handing him a t-shirt I lay him on his back and sit on the edge of the bed.

"I am here for Eiri, and as for you, sometimes people just need help... and I am not about to let someone go in need, you believe you're one of the reasons don't you?" his face strained at the question, like he wasn't sure what I was getting at "Shuichi" I say clearing his confusion.

Sitting up in a quick motion, he suddenly becomes angry "why else would he! it wouldn't be just because of Eiri, or just me, It had to be everyone... I thought..." Tears were starting to fall from his eyes again.

Placing my hand on his cheek I wipe a tear away with my thumb. "He did this on his own, it was no ones fault, you're not to blame... he did this of selfish reasons" Leaning him back down to the pillow, place my hand on his. "you loved him, maybe even more than a friend, have faith that if he did do this he loved you too, no just Eiri, I am sure"

His eyes had shut half way through what I said, exhaustion had finally taken him... getting up I turn off the light and shut the door quietly, so not to wake him. I dial K's number in my cell phone and hit talk.

I get the answering machine. "K, Come to Bad Luck's studio, bring Ayaka, you might need her to help with Mr. Nagano, I put him in the suite's bed room." hitting the off button on the cell I slip it back into my pocket.

My thoughts return to where Eiri might be... only one other place. Making my way back to the elevator. I remember I have one more stop before I leave to find him. Typing in the code again this time to go to the 66th floor, my office. Walking in the lights automatically turn on as does the artificial waterfall I installed before I left. My desk, free of clutter 'for once', containing all the things I used to raise to the level I have become.

I take a moment to collect my thoughts, sitting down in my chair, I listen to the rain, the occasional roll of thunder was calming. I reach under my desk and take out a brief case that I have been preparing for some time. It was the reason why I came up to my office.

Finally getting up after a few seconds of rest I travel down back to the garage. When I reached the care I had barely opened the car door before I heard them, There stood K, Ayaka and Sakano. "Thought you could just leave without saying hello to us?"

"I didn't think you'd get here this fast... and I have certain matters to attend to"I get in the car and Sakano is already there at the door ready to speak. As I place the briefcase in the back seat "You are still in charge of NG, now please if you will" I say in soft tone as to make sure there is no ill will.

"Mr. President, please we need you back" His look of concern didn't stop me from shutting the door and driving off.

Driving through traffic was easy, and I made it to the temple in no time, the Uesugi's pride, the Buddhist's temple. Pursing my lips I hesitated to get out of the vehicle. Taking in a deep breath, I sigh do to that fact that the last time I was here, it was five years ago, was to argue with the father for him to get off Eiri's back about being a priest. Now that the old prideful father was dead, Tatsuha now heads temple.

Walking slowly up to the gate to the cemetery, the feeling of the metal bars. I walk bas several grave walking around a corner to find him kneeling in a puddle of mud near a recently plotted grave. As silently as I can, I walk over and place a hand on his shoulder. I can tell he has been there for hours... he's shivering. He takes one look at me, collapsing the instant he see my face. Now my heart is racing... "Eiri!" I already have him in my arms. Picking up someone larger than your self became obviously hard for me, but I accomplish it with effort, I take him to my car knowing Tatsuha would have already gotten Eiri out of the rain if he was at the temple 'probably heard of Ryuichi's return'.

Opening the car door with my foot, maneuvering him into the seat making sure he's safely in. Shutting the door softly I swiftly move to the drivers side and get in, taking no time to get the door shut while starting the car, I turn up the heat slightly and turn to look at a unconscious Eiri... 'why do you do this to your self' placing a hand on the his cheek feeling the warmth of tears, a contrast to the wet rain also present. Studying him for a moment I look at the dark circles under his eyes, and the lack of color in his skin. Pulling out on to the desolate street I continue on to the city. My worry increases as Eiri starts to babble about being sorry... he look so distraught. He starts to come a little out of his reverie and continues to babble.

Finally reaching his house, rushing to his side of the care I pull him up and place his arm behind my neck, now that he's slightly awake he follows my lead, and walk him slowly to up the steps to the door.

'Does he know it's me? He hasn't said anything to me though'.

Opening the door I see Ryuichi awaiting us. I can see Eiri's eyes come back to life. I can already feel him moving away from me.

"Shu…ichi?" I am slightly taken aback by this, what do I tell him.

"What…?" the confusion on Ryuichi is apparent, and I can already feel my heart raise into my throat.

* * *

OMG I am FINALLY finished with this chapter, I am so sorry for the wait. Thing have been just hectic, took me a few nights to complete this. I know that my writing sucks, but I hope to get better, please do critique my work if ya can, tell me where ya don't like and what you do like. Flame is fine too, because My flames is brighter than what you can dish out. Like I said above I dedicate this to Jordon, doubt he'll even read this but if he does I hope he know who he is. I will be doing the next chapter, and then it will be Amanda's turn I hope I make better haste than on this one. 

Thank you to all the reviewers, I thank you very much(if you have questions I will answer them, and I'll reply to good comments)


	5. Myriad Inconceivable Events

_**False Hope with New Beginnings**_

Disclaimer: I think I've said this before, but these characters are _not_ mine. If they were…they probably wouldn't let it be shown in America…and if it were, it'd be wrapped in an awful lot of plastic, and the story would be mostly about Nittle Grasper, and it'd be either Tohma or Ryu paired with Eiri-san, and…well that's it. So Tohma, Ryu, Eiri, Nori, Shu, Hiro, Sakano, K, Mika, Fujisaki, and etc, etc, etc are not mine. Oh and the few songs I mention in here aren't mine either. Along with everything that's Little Mermaid. …heh, you will see young apprentice. Any who, thanks!

This is Dear ol' Ryuichi here! Well folks, there comes a time in everyone's life where the show must go on…I hate doing this, but this story really needs to be updated! Tohma, I love you, really! Please believe me when I say I hate doing this without you! But this needs to be updated! Ok? Please don't be mad! I'm sorry! Anyway…here's a long waited, long over due fifth chapter. Oi…anyway. I'm going to review to people!

Yoru: I'm so sorry hun! This is sooo late. It's just that life sucks and I haven't talked to Tohma in…I don't know…almost a month. I feel bad though, that didn't mean I needed to keep you all hanging! Alright hun! Don't worry, things shall be explained! Soon! And thank you for complimenting my writing and Tohma's:bows:

To-think-of-a-nice-name:bows low: I'm sorry to you as well! Here's another chapter! And I'm glade you love it and you think it's interesting! Thank you! Here's some more! And it's nice and long to make up for the waiting!

Mistress of Muses: Katy! My lovely Katy! Look! It's being updated…but I killed the pattern we had…ugh…anyway, I need to write on this though whether pattern ruined or not. :sigh: Life sucks…I hope Tohma won't be to terribly mad…ugh! Anyway…I'm really glade you liked my chapter:bows: Tee-hee, and don't worry…most things will be…resolved…you'll see Katy! And I'm so glade both of us got the characterization down path! Whoo! Happy! Shinny! Anyway, here's that long awaited chapter five!

Josh: …… Am…I seeing this right? Aww, just kidding! Wow! I can't believe you read some of this! That makes me happy! I'm glade you like it! And it's ok, you do need to know some of the story to understand some of this. Don't know if you'll ever read again. …but…thank you soo much it means a lot! Thank you:bows: You may have a cookie!

Maddison-T: Thank you! Once again, so sorry! But thank you:bows:

cutelilpuppieyez: Tee-hee…adorable name! And thank you for liking the story! Sorry again:bows:

Berkeniel: Arigato:bows: I'm glade we have good writing voice!

Jessica: Tee-hee! I know you! You're cool! Thank you so much:bows: Thank you again!

Brittney: Arigato! I'm soo glade people like this story! Once again…I'm so sorry this took so long! Uh:bows: Thank you so much! You make me blush!

MikaSamu: Oh, thank you! Oi, I know you people are probably done hearing it, but I am so very sorry! I will make up for it! I'm glade we're very Ryuichi and Tohma like! Thank you! You're very sweet, glade you like it!

Now, on to more, hope this is enjoyed and read! Thank you all!

* * *

_Chapter 5: Myriad Inconceivable Events _

_Short Recap_

I go to get up and turn off the game till I hear the door open and right there I see Tohma and Eiri-san…my god…he looks-

"Shu…ichi?"

"What…?"

_End Recap_

W-wait. "E-Eiri-san-?" I suddenly am embraced very tightly. Eiri-san just called me Shu…but…

He looks at me, he's soaked, and he looks horrible. Dark, _dark_ circles under his eyes. Not good…this is the epitome of un-shininess. "Shuichi…"

I'm a little frightened by how delusional Eiri-sin's being. I know I look like Shu-Chan but…

"It was all some sick joke right? You're not dead, you're here…Shuichi…" he softly lays a hand on my cheek.

"But…" Now I'm lost for words. What do I say? I'm not Shuichi, but I really don't feel like saying that to Eiri-san when he looks so exhausted and hurt. Kuma? What should I say? "I…"

The next thing I know though is that Eiri-san is falling unconscious and putting _a lot _of weight on me.

"A-ahh…" I hit the ground yelping slightly. That really smarts.

"Ryu," Tohma's over to the scene in a mili-second. "Are you alright?"

"Mmmm…" I look down at Eiri-san who's completely passed out cold against me. He's heavy but…I'm just glade he's actually sleeping… "Yeah I guess so."

I hear Tohma sigh in relief.

Tohma's _extremely_ worried. "…So where did you find Eiri-san?"

"At Shindou-kun's grave," I hear many different emotions in his voice at this point.

I look down. "…I'm sorry Tohma…"

"Ryu, what are you sorry for? There is nothing to be sorry about."

"…I didn't know what to say to Eiri-san…I was so lost…I just…" I feel my emotions rising…even to the point of tears right now.

"What you did was for the best."

"…ok…" I look up at Tohma. "…should we get him into his bed?"

"It is currently a mess. I shall go clean up his room first. If the position you are in is not too uncomfortable, then could you watch him?"

"Hai," I nod and watch Tohma leave to go to Eiri-san's room. Why would his room be such a mess? His living room seems to be ok…so then why…? Unless…if I think about it…Shuichi probably slept in here a lot. So then, possibly…would it be that Eiri-san destroyed everything except for the places that most reminded him of Shu? I'm probably the last to figure this out but…

I sigh and find myself staring down at Eiri-san. He really looks bad…yet he's kinda cute; don't you think so Kumagaro? I look over at Kuma. Yeah, he thinks so too. Wait…what am I thinking? Well…it's not as if I think more than that. I mean if I think about it…many people are cute when they are sleeping. Oh! Like that one time I saw Hiro-chan sleeping when Shu and I got a chance to talk for a while! He was charming. Then there's Nori who's pretty cute…except that she mumbles a lot in her sleep and…they're really scary things too. Anyway, there's also Shu himself. He's adorable. K's pretty cute but he has the same problem as Nori, but he says worse things. And then there's Tohma. However, he looks so eternal and god like. Trés beau. Therefore, it's completely normal to think someone's cute in their sleep. Because then…they could be really _not_ cute when they're awake.

"Alright Ryu. I will take Eiri," he comes over and picks up Eiri-san effortlessly. Tohma is so strong even if he doesn't look like it. He could pick anyone up. Even Kuma! Kuma's strong too.

"Wow…you already got it cleaned Tohma? You're so fast!" I smile; no one will ever know how much I admire him. I love Tohma a lot and respect him so much.

I watch as Tohma carries Eiri-san to his room. I get up and decide to follow. I've never been inside Eiri-san's house. Ever, not even in his other houses. I walk in the room. Well, if it was ever trashed…Tohma did a really good job fixing it so fast. Well…that's Tohma, right Kuma? Yup. Eiri-san is already in his bed with the covers drawn up to his shoulders. Tohma's good at taking care of people. He pays attention just enough not to smoother them. Tohma plainly rocks!

"Ryu."

Whoops, got lost in my own world again. "Yes Tohma, na no da?"

"I am going to check if Eiri has the right medical supplies," Ok…

"Does Eiri-san need any medical supplies?" That worries me. Would Eiri-san do something like cutting himself and such. Or is it that he didn't take care of himself at all…

"Maybe some medicine and bandages. I also need to see what kind of food he has."

Probably not a lot. "…he probably doesn't have anything…"

"Most likely not. He might have some beer."

"…that's not food…"

"I know that, however it is what Eiri feels he always needs," I watch Tohma walk out of the room.

Hmm…why beer? It's very yucky and…eww…I like wine! Red! Mmmm. Anyway…it's so strange. …when I think about it, I've never meet Eiri-san. …I've heard so much about him though that I feel like I know him. …I wonder if Tohma talks about me when he's talking to Eiri-san? …that's even funnier when I think about it. …I know Tatsuha. …he really scares me on how much he forces himself on me. I of course know Mika-chan! She's so cool! And I've even meet Eiri-san's dad but I've never meet Eiri-san. Or…maybe…even so I don't remember. So I'd say this one counts more. …so now I'm meeting him. …and it's so joyful. I hope he isn't too sad. Tohma and Mika-chan are-Oh no! I forgot about Mika-chan!

I grab the phone on Eiri-san's desk and…wait…do I even remember her new number? Oh! 69! I press those exact buttons and her the operators voice begin to give out the numbers and then tell me to press 1 if I want to call them back. So I press one and hear the ringing start.

"Hello?"

"Mika-chan?" I hope it's her.

"Yes, Ryu?"

"Yay! Mika-chan! I wanted to tell you Tohma and Eiri-san are both home fine!"

I hear her sigh in relief at the news. "That's good. May I talk to Eiri?"

"Er…Eiri-san is sleeping now…he's tired, tired, na no da." What else can I say? I don't want to tell Mika-chan that he passed out.

"Well then may I talk to Tohma hun?"

"Ok Mika-chan. Hold on!" I put down the phone gently, rush into the kitchen, and see Tohma looking around in the cupboards. "Tohma, I forgot to tell you when you got back that Mika-chan called and she wanted me to call her back but I didn't know her number so I used 69 to find out the number and I got a hold of her and now's she's on the phone and wants to talk to you!" I begin to pant because I didn't take a breath at all during that and now Tohma is looking at me with a slight confusion on why I just had to talk so fast.

"Alright Ryu." he pauses for a second and closes the cupboard door. "I'll get the phone," I watch him pick up the cordless in Eiri-san's kitchen. "Hello Mika."

I watch him listen to her and it is actually a while before he talks to her…like ten minuets while.

"Yes Mika. Of course. However, I must run on a quick errand and then I shall come see you. Yes, alright Mika, see you later. Bye," Tohma clicks the phone button and turns to me. "Ryu, Mika needs to see me."

"Ok…but you said you had to run an errand." Where, when, why?

"Yes, for supplies."

"I'll do it! Then when I get back you can go see Mika-chan and then you don't have to do everything and Ryu will feel a lot less useless to you!"

He stares calmly at me for a while and then smiles. "If you wish, then," he reaches into his pocket. Wait I don't want him to pay!

"Tohma I'll pay! I don't mind!"

"No Ryu, I will be paying for this," he pulls out some yen…ok…not some, A LOT!

"No! I want to! I don't want you doing everything Tohma! I want to help too! So keep it for something that I can't pay for myself." I grab Kuma off the table…how'd he get here? No matter. I head over to the door to go but Tohma doesn't take no for an answer all that easily truth be known. He gently grabs my arm and holds out the money, but I still don't want to take it. "Tohma, I said I'll do it."

"Ryu, it's for Eiri. You know I pay for him," he more forcefully tries to put it in my hand but I don't take no easily either.

"But you shouldn't have to all the time! I _will_ do it!" And that's that!

He gives me one of those stares where…it's not hateful, but it's definitely 'You better listen or you'll be dealing with worse things.' "Take it," he says it calmly but this time he slips it into my pocket and I know he's very serious about this.

I sigh…I guess I do take no… "Alright fine." I don't have to use it…but if I don't…eek…

"Thank you," he lets go of my arm and pats me on the shoulder and hands me a list of things, smiling lightly at me. "Be careful and call if you need anything."

I nod. In a way…it's never a good thing to defy Tohma because then you get hurt. …I know Tohma wouldn't hurt me, but he'd certainly make me do something I didn't like. Oh well…it is Eiri-san…so…ok. "Ok Tohma, I'll be back faster than Kumagaro on carrots!" I smile at him and walk out the door to walk to the closest store I can remember is by here.

It's funny when the town you've known so long changes. I mean…it hasn't changed that much here, but it's noticeable how much it has changed.

It's just kinda sprinkling now. I like rain. It's very soothing. Wow, I love how my head suddenly wanders to a pretty song…what was it called…and by whom? …Nightwish! Nemo! Yeah, the two beginning lines of the chorus. _Oh how I wish, for soothing rain._ Yeah…I love it. You know, when you look at the band doing the video for the song…you wouldn't think it was all that pretty. However, when you hear the song…you melt into a puddle of crystal rain. Hmm…

I pass by a place that I think would have all the things on this list. Which by the way…I look at the list. It's not too big actually. Let's see it says…

List:

Common Pain Killer (aspirin, Advil, Tylenol, etc.)

Coffee (strong)

Milk

Fresh Vegetables

Pasta

Chicken

Eiri's favorite pastries

…he always goes out of his way for Eiri-san. I sigh. "Well let's go Kuma." We walk in the store and we grab a basket. It's not a lot of things so we should be fine.

I might as well go in order of Tohma's list. So then…medicine. I walk over to the shelves upon shelves of allergy medicine, painkillers, cold, flu, and so on and so on. Geez. …let's see…Advil's always been my favorite but ibuprofen is a very good one too. Maybe both…but…oh well. I take both of them. They are for Eiri-san and they can come useful later.

Five minuets later 

Pastries? Pastries…hmm…obviously this list was directed towards Tohma…uhh…let's see…oh man! This really tests my memory and listening skills…I'm doomed. …wait! I remember that one time when Tohma had that box! I think that's it! I look for the box in my memory and actually end up finding it! Ah-ha! I win! "Yay! We did it Kumagaro!" well…the people walking by look at me like I'm crazy. Oops…

I begin to walk to where I need to go pay for this stuff, however…I go through a dangerous part of the store…magazines. Uh-oh…and there's even one about…Shuichi's death…great. …I pick it up just to see how much gossip there is about why Shuichi would do this. WHAT? 'Had a bad life?' 'Role model hates him to death?' 'Eiri-san abusing?' "This is really fucked up!" Oops…people are staring at me again. I can't help it though…they're all lies…I know they are. I keep reading and now I'm pissed because there's one about Tohma. It says, 'Former boss Seguchi-san has put a lot of trauma on the young singer's life. It's no wonder the amateur singer hasn't done this sooner. If any of us was on Seguchi-san's death list, I'd commit suicide too.' …… "YOU FUCKING BASTARDS! I HATE YOU ALL! IF SHUCHI HAD ANY REASON TO COMMIT SUICIDE, IT MUST HAVE BEEN YOU SON OF A BITCHING CRITICS!" …well now the whole stores staring at me so I better go. "…sorry…" as I move on between the massive crowd that's watching me there's one woman who just isn't letting me through. "Excuse me ma'am-"

"You're Ryuichi Sakuma?"

"Yes…I am ma'am…" where's this going? It doesn't sound good.

She pauses to look me over, then goes and slaps me really hard. "You should be ashamed! My boy's depressed and going no where because of you!"

"Huh?" I hold my cheek because she really hit me hard. "What did I do?"

"All because of you my boy is on a path to no where all because he followed you and that stupid boy! I told him he should have never trusted that Shindou! Now he's gone and committed suicide! All because of you and that boss of his! I'm just waiting for my boy to do it next since that Shindou was his life!"

"W-wait…is your son Hiro-chan?"

"How dare you talk about Hiro like he was your friend!" she goes and slaps me again. It really hurts and I'm so confused.

"Stop…please."

"You fucking jerk. I hope you die! The only person I hate more than you is that damn, manipulative bastard Seguchi!"

I black out for a second and when I come to I see Hiro-chan's mom on the ground with a bloody nose. "How dare you!" my voice…it's so different. "You will _never_ talk about Tohma like that to me! He's done so much for Shuichi and Hiro-chan! More than you've done I see! You stupid, evil, mean, bitch!"

"How dare you! How dare you hit a lady!" she gets up and hits me again. I'm getting really tired of this.

"Well I'm a queen so it doesn't count! So fuck off!" I haven't cussed in such a long time. It feels weird. "If you're going to talk that way about Tohma then you'll get hit for sure! I will not tolerate it!"

"You damn singers are all rude!" she's goes to hit me again. I'm getting to the point where my cheek is really numb and prickly. However, she doesn't get to finish swinging for me because I finally have a hero standing up for me. "…K!"

"Touch him and you'll have a bullet running through your system."

This lady looks really scared. Well I guess I would be too if I had a gun to my head.

"Now get the fuck out of here." He lets her go and she runs faster than I've even seen a woman run in heels usually does.

"K!" I pounce him into a hug. "You saved Ryu-chan, na no da!"

"Yes, Ryuichi. Now please let go of me."

Oops…I forgot how much K doesn't like touching. I let go. "Sorry K…I was just glade that someone finally saved me from that mean lady."

"Like I was going to let her hit you anymore."

"I guess…" I feel guilty now. …I mean…is Hiro-chan really depressed now?

"What are you doing here Ryu?"

"I was getting stuff for Tohma," I point at the basket on the floor.

"I see. Well in that case. Are you finished?"

"Yep."

"Then I'm taking you back to where you were. I don't need anymore parents jumping you."

"Ok K! We're at Eiri-san's house."

"Roger. Now follow me."

"But what about paying?"

"They can put on Tohma's tab." He begins to walk out, gun resting on shoulder and the crowd immediately parts for us and we leave the store to K's car. "Get in."

"Ok, na no da." It's always good to follow K's orders. If you don't well…I never got a gun to my head, but there were cases when he hit me and stuff. It hurt. I lean back in the seat. I actually feel really comfortable around K. I've known him long enough to know what annoys him and what not to say and other things like that.

"It's nice to see you're both back for a bit. It seems as though we're all going to need you two."

"Yeah…" things are already turning out bad.

Later 

We pull up to Eiri-san's house. "Are you going to come in K?"

He ponders this. "…Not today. Maybe I'll stop by before you go back to New York."

"Oh, ok K." New York? What does K know I don't? I guess I'll ask Tohma later. I open the car door. "Thank you K. Buh-bye!"

"I'll see you later."

I get out and close the car door. I wave as K leaves and then I proceed to Eiri-san's house. "Tohma!" I take off my shoes. I don't think Eiri-san would like it if I got his floor dirty. "Toh-" I practically run into Eiri-san as go to turn. I blink. "…oh…" I bow slightly. This really is the first time I've ever met Eiri-san. I think… "Err…K-konichwa Eiri-san."

He stares at me for a second. "…what the hell are you doing in my house?"

"I…" well…I know he doesn't know me but…for god's sake my picture's everywhere.

"Hello Ryu- Ryu, what happened to your face?"

"Seguchi why the hell are you inviting random people into my house?" Random?

"Eiri, this is Ryuichi, remember?"

"Oh. The famous lead singer, eh?"

Yeah…and? "Err, here Tohma," I hand Tohma the stuff. Oh no…I didn't use the money…

"Ryu, who did that to you?" he takes the stuff from me.

"…Hiro-chan's mom…she started blaming me for…" should I say this while Eiri-san is around? "…about…Shu…"

"She what?" Oh no, I can hear that certain _thing_ in Tohma's voice.

"It's ok now Tohma…not only did I punch her…K showed up. So I'm ok now. She just hit me a few times."

Now Tohma just looks worried.

"That stupid bitch. Where is she?"

I look over at Eiri-san and he just looks pissed.

"Please Eiri, this is no time for being brash."

"Brash my ass! Who the hell does this woman think she is?"

"Eiri, I know this is upsetting, but it seems as though the situation was handled."

"Whatever. Fine. If you like seeing your friend get handled that way then just let it go." He practically storms away and I hear him slam a door.

"…I'm sorry Tohma…I wasn't trying to…start anything…"

Tohma sighs. "No, it will be fine." He pauses while he puts away the food I got. "Well, I am assuming since K showed up you went the five finger discount way."

"I wasn't trying to steal…" I mean…I hate stealing.

"I know Ryu. It's fine. Besides the owner of that store I suppose you went to owes me."

"Ok…" that's a lot like Tohma…everyone owes Tohma something. "…so when did Eiri-san wake up?"

"Not long after you left actually." He finishes putting everything away.

"So are you going to see Mika?"

"Yes. Though I'm going to go see if Eiri needs anything before I go."

Tohma's worried. In a way I have to agree. I mean…I'm about as sick as they come…I can't even control my emotions sometimes. …how can two sick people take care of each other?

I watch as Tohma goes to confront Eiri-san. That's gotta take guts. Right Kuma? I sigh and go over to the coach. I'm really tired actually. "Ryu sleepy, sleepy…" I close my eyes as I lay down. This is comfy.

"Ryu?"

"Huh?" I sit up. Man I'm drowsy.

"I will be leaving now. Eiri's fine, so just look after him."

"Alright Tohma."

"I'll be back as soon as possible. Hopefully this won't take too long."

"Don't worry Tohma. You can trust Kuma and Ryu to protect Eiri-san for you!"

He smiles lightly at me. "I know I can." He turns to the door. "See you in a bit Ryu." He opens the door and disappears into the rainy night.

Later in the evening 

I walk out of the shower room. I really needed one. Thank goodness Eiri-san didn't get mad at me for that.

I go over to my suitcase and pull out my brush. My hair gets very tangly after a shower. Usually I have Tohma brush it for me but…there's obvious reasons why he can't today.

Owie…owie…this really smarts! I need a professional…Kumagaro I wish you could brush hair… "Owie…owie…"

"Enjoying yourself?"

I stop brushing my hair and look over to see Eiri-san watching me. "…No…it hurts…" I flush slightly. Alright…it is his house…but…why are you only walking around in nothing but pants? And…dear god! They're not even buttoned! Uh…why do I have to be with the play boy wonder?

"Suck it up."

"It's not like you have to brush your hair!" Don't criticize me! …mean play boy…

"I don't need to."

"Well that's nice for you but I have to brush my hair!" Otherwise, it won't look pretty.

"I'm sure it'd look fine. But since that's so important to you, then suck it up you whiner."

He's reading my mind…it's scaring me. "Well you deal with pulling at your hair! Don't be mean to me! You don't even know what it feels like!"

"Whatever. You know, you didn't even ask if you could use my shower."

"Well sorry!" Jerk! "Go back to sleep! You were cuter that way!"

He smirks at me. "Really?"

"Yes!"

"I'm not interested."

What…? Interested in what? What does he- wait! "Ok, no! In your dreams!" I know Tohma told me he was a little perverted but…gosh…this all a bit too much for Ryu…

He chuckles lightly at my delayed reaction. "Aren't you entertaining. You should have become a comedian instead of a singer or actor."

"I'm happy with my job! I like singing and acting!"

"Hmm, at least you're good at them."

He's a stupid critic! I hate it when others judge you when they don't even know you!

"Listen, can I please just finish brushing my hair?" I'm irritated now.

"Who's stopping you?"

"You are." So go away.

"You need to concentrate on brushing your hair?"

"No, but with you around I need to."

"That hurts Ryuichi."

Isn't he the polite one? Already on first name basis. "Please Eiri-san. Stop being a clown."

He raises an eyebrow then just leans against the wall, sticks a cigarette in his mouth, and lights it up.

I continue brushing my hair. I really wish he was still asleep.

I finally tug out the last knot and put my brush away. Eiri-san is continuing to lean against the wall and puff out smoke. That really bothers me…when people smoke.

"…That's bad for you, you know?"

"What do you care? You seem like you want me to die anyhow."

"I don't wish death on people…" Not when…ok stop right there Ryuichi.

"I see. However, I don't care. These things are about the only thing that keep me sane."

"…there's other ways…"

"Like what? Cutting yourself? Taking drugs? Drinking? What? You tell me."

"…maybe…you could talk about it."

"Yeah sure." There's so much sarcasm, it's dripping off his chin to the floor.

"…Inoru mumo no o shinasai…"

He smirks. "I always do."

I sigh and go back over to my suitcase. I don't like how this shirt looks on me. I grab my pretty black tank top and pull off my other shirt, folding it neatly and putting it back. I then slip into my other shirt and get up seeing Eiri-san completely staring at me. "What?" I blush slightly. Was he really starring at me while I took off me shirt?

"Nothing." He looks away.

I decide to ignore his behavior and go over to the couch. I sit down and stare at the floor. What else am I supposed to do? Certainly not strike up another conversation.

There's a knock at the door and I glance over to see Eiri-san going over to get it. It couldn't be Tohma…could it?

As Eiri-san opens the door, I practically freeze into a block of ice. It's him…it's Tatsuha…oh no! How did he know I was here?

"What do you want Tatsuha?"

"Oh nothing really. I just heard from sis that a certain marvelous, and spectacular person was here."

I quickly get up and jump over behind the coach. If he finds me…he's going to do really sick evil things to me…and Eiri-san would let him too.

"Who me? Yeah, I'm here."

"Not you! My Ryuichi!" I practically can see the shoju bubbles in my mind. And when did I become his?

"Since when was he yours Tatsuha?" is he really standing up for me? Maybe…I was a little too mean before.

"Since I first saw him." He's swooning…oh god…what is he imagining?

"You're such a freak. Even if Ryuichi was here, he would have run away by now. I really don't think he enjoys being raped."

"What would you know Eiri? You act like you know him."

"Even I'm not that dense. I don't have to know him. I don't think any one likes being forced into a situation."

Thank the stars that someone finally knows what I want…beside Tohma.

"Hmm, so then you wouldn't care if I looked around?"

"……" Oh shit…if he says yes…then what will I do…if he says no…it's still likely he'll look anyway.

"…whatever Tatsuha. Go ahead." Shoot! I better keep on the move then…

"Why thank you so kindly brother." Crap…!

I hear the door closing. I'm so…well…yeah. "By the way Tatsuha, thanks for being so concerned about me."

"Huh? …oh, glade your back…" I can hear those tell tale foot steps of his. This is worse than the poem 'Red Death.'

"Gee thanks." His sarcasm is almost as bad as Tohma's.

"Yeah."

"I'm telling you Tatsuha, your idol isn't here. Do you really think I'd keep another annoying, bratty, over confident singer in my house?"

"You…" I take it all back, he's a jerk!

"Maybe, but then," eek! I curl up more into the couch. He's right there! This isn't good, this isn't good, this is not good! "But then why do you have this?" Have what? What does he have?

"…That's just Shuichi's…" huh? What?

"So you sleep with Shuichi's Kumagaro on your couch?"

"That's my Kumagaro! Let him go!"

Uh…oops. I'm in soo much trouble now.

"……"

"……"

"……" What…should I…do?

"Well…I wasted my time."

"Ryuichi!"

"Ahh!" Run! Run! I must run!

"Come back here my lovely Ryuichi!"

"No! No!" Oh please! Someone help me!

"You're such a tease Ryuichi!"

Running, running into a room! Closing door! Locking door! Hiding under covers!

"Come on Ryuichi! Don't play so hard to get!"

"Get out of Shuichi's room you stupid brat!"

"No! Go away! Leave me alone!" Eiri-san is so uncompassionate!

"This is my house! My rules! I want you out of there!"

"You're so horrible! I don't want to be raped!"

"I wouldn't rape you! You can't call it rape if it's consensual."

"Ahh! No!"

"Listen, if you come out of there right now I promise I won't let him touch you. If you don't, I'll unlock the door myself and let him take you home."

"…alright…you better keep your promise!" I get up and walk over to the door.

"Move Tatsuha."

"No fair!"

"As I told him; my house, my rules. Now move."

I open the door and two people are grabbing me at once. "Ahh no! Let go!"

"Leave him alone Tatsuha."

"I saw him first! He's mine!" they're pulling on me! This does not feel good!

"Let him go or I'll never let you into my house again."

"You just want him for yourself!"

"Hardly. Like I want a forty year old singer."

I flush. That's just not ok to assume! "I'm not forty!"

"Shut up."

"You're such a jerk!"

"Well if that's how you're going to treat me," he lets go and I fall into Tatsuha. "Then go ahead Tatsuha." He goes to walk away now. "Try not to get blood on my floor."

"I hate you! This is so not fair!"

"Why thank you Eiri."

"You just gave a complete stranger to a wolf! If I don't matter then I'll tell Tohma what you did!"

"Whatever."

I feel like crying now. I don't want this… "Please!"

I feel Tatsuha's arms wrap around my waist and pull me close. "Don't worry Ryuichi. I promise I'm a pretty gentle guy."

Now I know I'm crying because this just isn't funny anymore. "Please don't Tatsuha…"

"Aww, don't be so scared." He leans in and kisses me. This isn't cool! Stop this cruel joke now God!

Crack! Well…god didn't stop Tatsuha, but Eiri-san hit him on the head with a pot.

"You may not have been very nice, but you have a point about Tohma. He wouldn't hurt me, but I assure you he'd do other things."

I look away. This is just not a good night. "Thank you Eiri-san."

"Damnit Eiri! That fucking hurt!"

"Good you perverted loser."

"Like you're one to talk!"

"About six years ago you would be right. However, I'm a completely different man now Tatsuha."

"Hmph…"

"Now get up and leave before I call the cops on you."

I hear Tatsuha sigh in defeat and get up. "You always have to ruin everything." He sighs again and then looks at me.

I blush lightly. "…goodbye Tatsuha-san." I decide to hold out my hand. I actually like him you know…just not the way he tries to pursue every time.

He stares at my hand then grabs me and pulls me into another kiss. I was being friendly! Not offering myself to the virgin god!

Eiri-san however pulls me away from him and I practically cling to him. "Knock it off Tatsuha. He was being friendly, not offering for a quick roll in the hay." It's as if Eiri-san can read my mind.

Tatsuha just glares at Eiri-san and then stalks off in a huff. Well…you can't expect me to throw myself at you. I don't do that for anyone.

"And I thought you said in my dreams."

"Wha…?" I look up at him. I finally realize that I'm holding on to him. But that's not…Grr! "This is so not what your twisted mind thinks it means! I was scared of Tatsuha and you just happened to be the only thing I could cling to!"

"So basically you're saying I'm a last resort." Huh?

"Last resort to what?"

"So what if I was the only man on earth? Then what?" he quirks an eyebrow and is smirking at me.

"Huh…? …Wha are you…?" …not again! I push away. I'm tired of his sick jokes! "You're so perverted! Tohma was right!"

He laughs lightly.

"I'm glade you find me so amusing! Because I don't find you amusing at all!"

"You'll get used to me."

"Yeah…sure."

A Few Days Later 

K was right about going back to New York. I found this out yesterday night. Tohma and Mika decided it would be in Eiri-san's best interest to go somewhere to take his mind off Japan and Shuichi for a while.

We've moved all of Eiri-san's stuff to our house in New York. The only things left are the carry ons we have and a few pairs of clothes in for the trip back to New York.

It's sad we were only here for three days. Tohma said however, it was enough to set affairs right here.

He's taking Hiro-chan and Suguru-san with us. Since Shuichi is gone…they really have no place to go. Tohma said they'd find a better life in New York anyway. Plus Hiro-chan would be away from his mean mother. K's going as well! This will be better for him too. He'll be closer to Judy-chan and his son. I think in a way this is good for all of us. Though…I did want to stay in Japan a little longer. …oh well. Tohma said we'd come back in a while.

"Ryu, are you ready to leave?"

I look at the door from finishing packing what's left of my belongings. I see Tohma's anxious to help Eiri-san get back to normal.

"Yup! All packed Tohma, na no da!" I grab my stuff and jog over to the door and through Eiri-san's house to Tohma's car. K was going to take everyone else going in his car. We'll be meeting him there. It's going to get interesting in New York. I guess our future is pretty vague.

On The Airplane 

It's been a few minuets since take off. I get to sit with Hiro-chan! Tohma and Eiri-san are sitting with each other and Suguru-san gets to sit with K…they really like to yell at each other…

I'm currently watching Tohma quietly talk with Eiri-san. This is the time I suddenly remember some things Tohma said to me once. I don't know why now…however I always end up forgetting. Probably because I forget everything. Or maybe Tohma wants me to forget it. …it wasn't a bad day…but it was strange. I remember talking to him in his office about…a year ago? We were trying to finish a movie together. It was a little stressful but nothing too hard. However…

Flash back 

So tired… "It's really late Tohma…I think we're the only ones left."

"It is late. We'll be here a little longer Ryu…"

I sigh. "Ok."

"…Ryu…have you ever felt love?"

"Huh?" I look down as I take in the words. …… "No…no not really."

"Not even Yumi? You never felt short of breath every time you saw him?"

I shake my head. "No…no I haven't. Besides…I'm not meant to be loved."

"Why would you say that?"

"Because no one loves me anything more than a little brother or a son."

"And how do people love me?"

"…like a dad."

"Correct. Children grow, you will as well. But I will always remain the old man. The only thing I will grow into is a grandpa."

I slightly giggle. I don't know exactly how to feel about this. "…no I just think no one will ever love me. …maybe…maybe I will love someone but…but no one deserves me as a burden. My love is nothing…"

"Ryu, you're not a burden. Moreover, your love is not nothing. Why would you sat that?"

"…who…who wants someone as broken and dirty as me. …I'm just a ripped open, dirt covered, ear missing, faded pink Kumagaro."

"You know that's not true."

I'm starting to get really teary eyed. "Yes it is…"

"Why is it true?"

"I…I don't know…"

"You do deserve love Ryu. And I believe you will find it."

"No I don't…"

"You do Ryu. I'm the one who doesn't deserve the happiness and the love."

"Why do I deserve it yet you don't? What honestly makes me so much more different than you?"

"You have compassion."

"You have it too."

"But I don't. I do not have any compassion."

"That's BS! …that's so untrue."

"Is it really Ryu?"

"Yes it is…"

"My love is reserved Ryu. Yours is a forever-flowing river. This is where I am wrong in every way. What people do not seem to understand or like. The only exception seems to be Eiri. I have always acted different around him. I am a hollow man. It seems I have lost everything."

"You must…still have something. You are…still alive. …you still laugh and joke. …doesn't that…count for something?"

"A hallow laugh and a hallow smile is what makes another happy. If that is what I can do than I will do it."

The tears come now, hard and unstoppable. …has everything been a lie? …I don't know exactly why this hurts. …no…no, I know why. …because…my head is telling me that if the laughs have been a lie…then is loving me a lie? Was taking care of me a lie? …that's it…these are tears of pain and resentment. …I even think I feel angry. …how much of it is a lie? "Why live a lie Tohma?"

"Because it is better for everyone. No one wants a hallow man around."

"But why lie?" why lie to me Tohma? Why to Nori? Is it even to Eiri-san? "I don't want you to lie to me?"

"Even if it is in your best interest?"

"No…I can't take the lies too much longer Tohma! I thought the truth was always better than lies!"

"Did I ever say that?"

"Wha…?"

"I never said that Ryu. I am truthful to an extent. I don't lie about how I am feeling. If anyone ever asks how I am doing, I tell them fine but I'm saying that about my physical health."

"…but I still…don't like the lies."

"Then forget about what I just said Ryu. Forget I ever mentioned it and go on smiling for others. You be there for them, and I will be there for you."

"…but-"

"I know what you are going to say Ryu. You always tell me you want to make me happy. However, no one can do that. No one knows what will make me happy or my true feelings. I know you do now, but I want you to forget this like you always do."

"I won't…" I'm still in a complete tear fest…why is Tohma saying all this? …it hurts. …does he not love me?

I hear Tohma sigh and walk over to me, kneeling down and gently wiping my tears away. "Do not cry over me Ryu. Besides, I doubt this makes you feel better, does it?"

I shake my head, I'm still sobbing a little. "But…does Tohma…does Tohma still love Ryuichi?" I look up ay him and he shakes his head and smiles warmly at me. Is that one fake? …this one doesn't…seem hallow…

"I will always love you Ryu. That doesn't change. If that's what you are sad about then don't be. I may not feel much anymore, but you will always be my closest friend. Don't ever think I don't care about you. It's exactly why I want you to smile and find happiness. Do not fret over something so ridiculous," he hugs me gently and I do feel a lot better now. So that really was it. I was scared that He didn't love at all. I was scared his feelings for me was a lie too…but it's not. …I'm always…the last to figure such things out.

I hug Tohma back. I'm really emotional right now and I hate it.

"I didn't tell you those things to say I hated you Ryu. I told you those things because I care. I was being truthful to you. So no more tears, alright?"

I nod but I'm still sniffling and sobbing a little.

Tohma pulls away and smiles at me again. "Come now, I want to see you smile."

I give him really pathetic smile…well I'm really pathetic.

"You can do better than that. Here, give me your Jigglypuff face."

I smile brighter at that, but I shake my head. It's really embarrassing when they call you out on it or ask you to do it. I don't know why but it is.

"Come on Ryu."

I rub my eyes and then look up at Tohma and puff out my cheeks like I always do when I'm flustered. And I immediately begin to laugh as does Tohma. It seems no matter what we talk about or what we fight over…he always is there for me and he always does make me laugh. Tohma…I love you so much. I wish I could make you happy but…for now…all I can do is just be here with you and follow your few request.

Flash back end 

My eyes are getting real teary and I'm smiling lightly to myself. That memory makes me really sad yet happy too. It's strange…

"Ryu-chan?"

I wipe my eyes quickly and look over at Hiro-chan with a smile on my face. "Yes Hiro-chan?"

"You ok?" he looks at me with concern.

"Yup! I'm fine na no da!"

"You sure? It looks like you were crying."

"Nope…just…" I look over at Tohma and smile while I see him still talking with Eiri-san. "Just remembering something that's all."

Back in New York 

So now we're just driving back to the house. Hmm…I wonder which room Eiri-san got. I don't think he'll be sharing the bed with Tohma and me. That'd get really crowded. However, we do have other rooms we live in a _big_ house. But in America, everything's big.

It's gunna be cool though! Hiro and Suguru-chan are going live really close by. K's already has a home. This is actually going to be really good for everyone. Hiro and Suguru-chan are gunna be in movies and such. It'll take their minds completely off Japan cuz it's very busy work. K's gunna be closer to Michael-chan and Judy-chan. And Eiri-san…well Tohma, Kumagaro, and me will keep his mind at check. We'll keep him real busy!

I'm glade we're in New York. It is my home away from home…well ok, home away from home away from home. Cuz Japan will always be my first home and then I have NG, then here in New York then XMR. By the way, Tohma's taken over that huh? It's now mostly a movie production place. But we also still produce bands. I still sing; I'll never stop, but I don't do as much as acting these days. They're both very fun.

Any who, We'll just have to see exactly where New York is going to lead us all this time.

Later at Night 

I step into the shower; relaxing as the hot water hits my slightly sore body…and boy does it feel good. I'm such a water freak…

I left Kumagaro near the sink. He's not as crazy about water as I am. Oh well.

Everyone's really tired. I heard from K after he helped Hiro and Suguru-chan unpack and stuff that they instantly crashed in their living room. I want to do the same but I want this first just cuz I love showers. I take really long ones though. It just feels so good that you never find a right time to finally turn off the water and get out. I linger even when I'm done washing. I just like the way the water hits my body. It's soothing and healing. Yeah, I'm one of those people who believe water can heal a lot of things. Not everything mind you, but a lot since the human body has so much in it already. That's probably why Kumagaro hates water. He's not made up of it.

Oops…got a little lost. So…shampoo and conditioner all in one. I like it when they put them together. So much more convenient than them separate. Whatever though. Hmm, and now soap! Yay bubbles! And it smells wonderful! Very fruity!

Funny, I usually sing in the shower. I haven't really thought of a song I want to sing though. …but today wasn't very musical. Well…everyday has a song, today's was just hectic. Probably rap or a complicated classical piece. That's why I don't want to sing today. I don't like rap too much and well…you can hum classical things but they're better when you play them in your head.

I walk under the spray enjoying the gentle patter on my skin suddenly hearing a song pop into my thoughts. Hmm…it's pretty. I know it's ironic but it's called Solace and it's by Vanessa Mae. She's a wonderful classical player. I just let the song play softly in my head. I actually feel at peace even though it's been such a…would hell describe this week? No, something less but…

I breath in the thick heated air as I run my hands through my hair making sure the formula of the shamditioner is all out. By the way that's my made up word. I don't know what they really want to call it, though in commercials they call it two in one, however I like shamditioner.

Now my minds wandering over to this piano song Tohma did for Shuichi once to get him motivated. So in our group, Bad Luck and us it's known as Shuichi's Theme. It's very, _very_ pretty. Calming and gentle. Tohma really knows how to motivate people. And actually, we made something similar Tohma and I, where I was playing guitar and Tohma was on his synthesizer and we…well Tohma decided it was very Eiri-san-ish so that one is Eiri-san's or Shu called Yuki-san's Theme. That one's lovely too. I don't know…now that I've meet Eiri-san…eek. I mean…I swear I've never met him before! Well maybe…I wonder…was that one time Eiri-san…?

"What are you doing you brat? Get out of the fucking shower already! You're wasting all the hot water!"

Speaking of the old gooseberry…

"Go away! This is Tohma's and mine's house! You wait your turn! I haven't been in here that long!"

"It's been fifteen fucking minuets you stupid brat!"

Well I'm sorry for that but… "Go away Eiri-san!"

"Not until you get out!"

"No!"

"Get out now!"

"Quit ordering me around! Just go do something! I'll get out when I want!"

I hear the curtain shuffle slightly but nothing more. He probably just closed the door and the breeze got it. …but wait…why didn't I hear it close? Knowing him he'd probably slam it since he was so-

Oh god COLD! "Ahh! Tohma!"

I hear him laugh as I shriek in surprise from the sudden temperature change running down my back. I feel like crying from how freezing the water is but I am so not getting out with that pervert just beyond the curtain. So, I do what I can only think of doing right now. "Tohma!"

"Oh shut up you little tattle tale. If you don't like it then-"

"What's going on? Eiri…what exactly are you doing to him?"

"He won't get-"

"He made the water freezing!" I sit down and huddle away from the icy shower that threatens to turn me into a Ryu-cicle.

I can't see Tohma but I can tell he's slightly irritated on how childish this is. However, Tohma takes everything calmly so he reaches in and turns the faucet and it's all better now.

"Eiri, leave Ryu alone. Go find something to do till he's ready to get out. I can guarantee that there will be plenty of hot water left."

"…fine, whatever." I hear Eiri-san stalk out in a huff and Tohma sighing.

"Is that better Ryu?"

"Yeah, lots better Tohma. Thanks, na no da!"

"No problem." I hear him leave as well, softly shutting the door behind.

I sigh. I better hurry or Eiri-san might do something else and not care what Tohma does.

Later, after the shower dilemma 

I go into my room to get my brush when I realize…I forgot Kuma! I run back over to the bathroom and find he's gone. No! "Kumagaro!" I rush out and dash down the stairs to find Eiri-san at the foot of the second flight holding _my_ bunny. "Kumagaro! Give him back!"

"Such a rude little singer. Didn't they teach how to be polite to commoners?" his smirk is so big I swear it's too big for his fat head.

"Kumagaro is mine! He's very special to me!"

He looks at it with slight distaste. "This piece of shit? Why, your first fuck give it to you?"

I want to cry at the mention of that but I ignore the feeling and go to attack Eiri-san. "No! And you're the rude one!"

He immediately moves so I fall flat on my face. I turn on my back and sit up only then to have him move completely over me. "Y-you jerk!" I go for my Kuma again only to have him put it behind his back.

He leans down right into my face and smirks. "Oh, I'm sorry, is this _that_ important to you?"

"Give me Kuma!" I try to reach behind him but he ends up moving it up too tall for me. This isn't fair! "E-Eiri-san…"

"Let's just say you'll have to work for my forgiveness."

"For what?" I want to cry…

"Oh I don't know. How about taking too long of a shower and, let's say, the first time we met."

"W-what? But I haven't-"

"Don't be an ass. You better remember."

"But I don-"

"Does, 'You love him, don't you Eiri-san,' 'You say you hate him. You recoil from every touch. Yet…there are so many times you let him help you…why if you hate him…will you let him do that?' and 'I'll prove you wrong Eiri-san and then you'll see how much he's done and how much you owe him. I love Tohma, I'm tired of watching him hurt. I will open your eyes,' ring any bells?"

I close my eyes and ponder. Wait…yes…I think I might remember. …it was…it was a few days before me and Tohma sat down and wrote Predilection. "…I think…I remember."

"What do you mean you think? I remember it all too well. Then Seguchi invited me to hear that damned song and once again, you treated me like a complete fuck. 'Its called Predilection.' 'My answer was efficient enough.' 'And by the way Eiri-san, this song is dedicated to you by Tohma's request.' You acted like some cocky ass prick. Exactly what everyone believes famous people act like. But you know, I still knew for some reason you were different. I've heard about you from Tohma a lot, so I knew this couldn't be the 'cute little naïve singer' he always talked about. What is about you and Shuichi? Every time either one of you complete idiots get behind a mike, you go extreme bi-polar? Why is it that both of you get cocky and rude?"

"I…don't know I just…" it's always been like that since…

"You just what? Or do you know exactly what you're doing?"

"No…I…"

"It figures, all you so called geniuses have to take everything to the max. I know you love Tohma, but that was too much treating a stranger like shit. Those were your first words to me."

"I…" can't believe I get that bad… "I'm sorry…but I just…don't…remember."

"Don't act so fucking innocent. You know precisely what I'm saying." He's angry…I must have been…really mean to him.

"I just don't know Eiri-san…"

I hear him growl slightly. "Fine, if you want to play dumb, then I'll play too." He leans down again and I shiver as his breath passes my ear. "So Ryuichi," I close my eyes and completely blush. What is this? "What do you think will happen if toss Mr. Bunny into the grass and run him over with the lawnmower? Do you think he'll survive?"

No! Oh no! "No! No! Please don't! Please don't Eiri-san!" I try to reach up for Kumagaro once more. Now my tears are flowing down my cheeks. "I didn't mean to be so mean…I don't remember…I don't…" Please…

He stares down at me coldly. "Give me a reason Ryuichi."

"Please don't hurt Kumagaro Eiri-san…"

He's mad…What…what did I do so wrong? "Give me a reason! Or are you too dumb to give me that? Maybe you're more like Shuichi than I thought! And while we're at it, do you really think I'd do something to your stuffed bunny? I'm not that stupid and I'm not that cruel! So take it back! God, you're all whinny little brats that just can't take a-"

"It's because he's special Eiri-san! Because it was the first gift Tohma gave to me after I killed someone I loved! Tohma gave him to me and named him and I've always had Kumagaro to remind me of how special Tohma is! To remind me of everything Tohma's done for me!"

I stop crying as I see Eiri-san's eyes slightly widen and he lets go of Kumagaro and I catch him in an instant hugging him tightly.

"Kuma…" I'm back to crying again and now Eiri-san has gotten complete off me. and I hear his footsteps fading away but I hear them stop completely.

"By the way, that night, I told Tohma how I felt. I don't know if it made him feel any better, but it was something. So don't ever bother me about that again," he pauses and turns to look at me still on the floor. "Got it?"

I'm still very sad so I just sob quietly and nod.

"Good." He then goes upstairs to his room and I hear the door close and I think even a sob from himself.

I look at Kumagaro and hug him tightly again. Next time, I don't care how much you hate water, you're going in the shower where I can see you. I…I know in my heart…it's like what Eiri-san said about me…I've heard so much from Tohma that…I know Eiri-san would never go so far as to make someone cry. …in all honesty it wasn't really him that made me cry it was just…that one small confession of my past that…has those pictures burning into my brain again…

I look at Kuma. "Even if Eiri-san didn't mean it, don't get bunny-napped ever again."

"I didn't even know I was a bunny, let alone bunny-napped."

I look up and see Tohma's gentle smile. "Tohma? …where'd you go?"

"To check on Nakano-san and Suguru."

"Oh, I wanted to go."

"You can see them tomorrow."

"Ok Tohma."

"However, what concerns me now is why you are lying on the floor in tears, squeezing the life out of Kuma."

"Because Eiri-san took him from me." As…a small joke but…sometimes…jokes go father than people intend…so I…can't blame Eiri-san for something he didn't know.

I see the understanding in Tohma's eyes instantly light up. "I see." He offers me his hand and I take it, feeling a little dizzy from getting up too fast.

"…so is Hiro-chan and Suguru-chan ok?"

"They are quite exhausted, but yes they seem happy."

"That's good. Right Kuma?" Right.

"Where did Eiri get to?"

"His room…or maybe a shower. I don't know…" I wonder if I really heard him crying…I…hope not…

"Alright then. Anyway, I agree with how Suguru and Nakano-san feel. Therefore, I will be heading to bed myself. Are you going to join me?"

I think for a second then nod. "Yeah…Ryu sleepy, sleepy. Is Kumagaro sleepy, sleepy?" What do you mean no? I frown. "Then Kumagaro can sleep outside whether he gets bunny-napped again or not." That's what I thought Kuma. "Ok, Kuma's sleepy, sleepy now too." I smile up at Tohma.

He just lightly shakes his head at me. I know he's thinking how childish I am. I can't help it though…

I yawn. "Ok…bed sounds good."

Tohma nods at me then we head up to our room to sleep until the next hectic call of the day wakes us up.

A few afternoon's later 

I'm so very bored. I'm not at XMR with Tohma or Hiro or Suguru…I'm at home because…well…I don't know because I just I am. …ok, I over slept and Tohma's not one for bothering another if they're lying peacefully in their sleep. …not unless it was something like what happened a while ago with Eiri-san.

What can I do…? So very…I yawn I don't even have to think how I feel. Hmm…actually there's an unfinished Kingdom Hearts game on my memory card that is screaming my name right now. …or at least, I believe it's unfinished. Still it's calling to free my boredom.

I get up and walk calmly over to the living room where I have all my games and such. I have lots. So…Kingdom Hearts. I pull out the disk and slip it in. Waiting for all the stuff in the beginning to go away. Let's see load! Hmm…yup! It's not finished! Yay! No boredom for Ryu! I left off in…Deep Jungle. Not really my favorite world but you get a pretty key blade.

So then, off to fight crime!

About two hours later 

I'm finally getting to the good worlds. Like Atlantica and Halloween Town. But Atlantica first.

You know, The Little Mermaid was always one of my favorite Disney movies. Especially when I was like five. The songs were always the best part though. I still sing them when I'm in the mood.

I lean back on the couch and listen to the background music. _The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake. You dream about going up there but that is a big mistake._ …I'm such a freak.

Hmm…I feel sorry for Ariel. Her voice got her into the most trouble. Everybody wants a piece. ……

"Heh…" I smile to myself as I remember one time when Shuichi said he'd steal my voice like Ursula the sea witch.

Funny in a way. I guess the closest Disney movie to our life is The Little Mermaid. I smile again. When I went to Disney Land a long time ago, I went into this place in California Adventures called Beast's Library. It's very cool how they did it. But anyway, you take a personality test and I'd always get Ariel. That's what really amuses me.

So then…I'd be Ariel, Tohma would most definitely be King Triton. Let's see…Shu would be Ursula and…hmm…I hear a small clank in the background but I don't really care cause now I'm sleepy…

Later 

"Ryuichi?"

Oh! Bad dream! Well…I mean it was Disney so it wasn't like R but…bad dream!

"Ryuichi, wake up."

Why him? Tohma would kill me…

"Ryuichi!"

Besides…Eiri-san is so not my type! Even if…even if he does look like him.

"Get up you!"

Though Yumi was also kinda like Kitazawa-san…

"You damn brat! Up!"

Why is my world shaking? Why am I being jerked around?

"S-stop…no shaking…" I open my eyes and see a very irritated Eiri-san.

"About fucking time!" he drops me back into a soft surface. I think a bed. …Bed? When did that happen?

"Eiri-san…why am I in a bed?" wasn't I playing Kingdom Hearts?

"Because you were passed out on the fucking floor."

Passed out? I tilt my head slightly. "I was?"

"Are you stupid? Yes! You were a fucking road block!"

…… "…I'm sorry."

I watch him breathe deeply and he sits down next to me. "Whatever…" why is he so cold? "…are you alright, though?" …umm…ok…?

"Err…" I feel dizzy… "…just…a little sleepy."

"Could have fooled me…" fooled what? "Anyway, you're not sleeping in my bed."

"Why am I in your bed?" I do have my own. So why bother bringing me here if you didn't want me to sleep here in the first place.

"Because it was easier to get you in here."

Oh… "Ok…" umm…awkward silence. "…Eiri-san?"

"What?" I watch as he places a cigarette in his mouth and lights it. …chain smokers are stupid…

"Where's Tohma? Is he out again?" or slaving away at work?

"He went back to Japan."

…nani…wait! "WHAT? Why?" Why did Tohma go away?

"Business."

"But I thought-"

"If you really think that lap dog of his is truly satisfied? He'd drag Tohma back if he knew it wouldn't kill him."

I blink. "I guess so…"

There's another strip of awkward silence. …it's just so hard trying to talk normal with him.

"Anyway, Tohma will be back in about three days."

This really…bites. Why does Tohma just randomly leave like this?

I hear a knock on the door. Tohma? …no he has a key. …wait…Tatsuha wouldn't. "Ah! It's Tatsuha! I know it!" I pull the covers over my face. Not again!

"Wimp." I am not! "Whatever, I'll get it." I hear him leave. I'm trembling slightly. Is he that obsessed with me?

I try to listen what's going on but suddenly I hear a dull thunk. Wait…did Tatsuha hit him? Would he do that?

…oh! If Eiri-san's hurt…I gotta go see! I quickly get up and rush into the living room and see…

"……"

"……" Uh…

"…who are you?"

He winks at me whoever he is. "Hi, you must Ryuichi."

"Umm…should I know you?"

"Nah. I don't even think you've met my brother. Nope, only Tohma, Eiri, and Shuichi have had the pleasure of knowing me."

"Did you…hurt Eiri-san." Who's currently lying on the floor…

"I wasn't trying to. He kinda fainted."

"Wait…" I've seen a picture…he…my eyes widen. …he looks like Yumi but… "Ahh! A Ghost!"

"Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! I'm _not_ Yuki Kitazawa! I'm Yoshiki Kitazawa."

"Yo…shiki?"

"Yup, I'm his younger brother." He smiles at me and it's slightly unsettling…

Oh hang on…Tohma told me about this. "…I thought you wanted to become female."

I'm instantly latched onto. Eek… "How sweet! You remembered what Tohma probably told you!" he's queer beyond _anyone_ I've met. "Yeah that's true, but I decided it was a bad way to go. Actually, hanging with these two queers helped me see being gay was fun."

Umm… "O-ok…"

"The only problem is though is that I look a lot like my brother. So I kinda just killed Eiri-san. I think I should probably grow my hair out again…"

In my opinion…it sounded like he wanted to scare Eiri-san.

"So whatever. I stopped by cuz I heard Tohma was out of town. I do like him, but I think I bring out a really bad side in him."

"W-who told you Tohma wasn't going to be here?"

"Judy-chan. I still talk with her and Reji."

"I see…" Err…is anyone going to tell me why Judy-chan would tell him Tohma's gone?

"Don't worry Ryuichi-chan I'm not going to hurt anyone I'm just seeing how Eiri-kun's doing after all this stuff with Shindou-san."

"You know about Shuichi?"

"Yeah…it's really bad this happened I remember when I had to help them out with their relationship and now there's this problem."

He makes it sound as if it's not a big deal… "Well…umm…"

"Nnh…what the fuck happened?"

Well Eiri-san's up now…I should help him. "Err…Eiri-san…are you ok?" I kneel down next him hoping he'll accept my help but…even if he just got visited by the ghost of…err…crappy past, I still would doubt he'd let me help him.

"Don't tell me…I've been drinking…right?"

"No…err…Yo-"

"Ok…I had a bad dream about Kitazawa and now you're in my room."

"Two problems with that…one we're not in your room and two you weren't sleeping, you fainted."

"…Oh god…he _is_ here…"

"But it's Yoshiki-san."

"Oh…well then…" I watch him get up and stare at Yoshiki. "Get the fuck out of Seguchi's house. Didn't I tell you never to bother me again?" he pulls out another cigarette and lights it. How many of these does he smoke?

"Yeah I remember. But I wanted to make sure you weren't gunna hang yourself too. But…if I had been told that Ryuichi-chan over here was with you, I wouldn't have bothered. "

"Now that you know, get out."

I hear him sigh. "Alright, alright. I'm glade you seem to be doing well Eiri-kun."

"…hold on, what happened to your breasts?"

"I've decided to give up on being a chick. You and Shindou-san showed me how much fun it was to be gay."

"..flattered, now please go."

"Fair enough, nice to see you Eiri-kun, and nice to meet you Ryuichi-chan! It's been sweet." He winks at us and leaves through the never really closed door…well now it's closed.

"Damn that little…"

"He wasn't mean or anything. You were really rude, you should have been nicer!"

"Listen, the next time you see a person who reminds you of the person you murdered, then you can tell me how to act."

…Eiri-san…does remind me of…no, stop Ryuichi. "I…"

"What? You can not tell me that from your perfect naïve life you've had some tragedy."

If only…he knew. "You…shouldn't judge a person Eiri-san." …wait I did say something to Eiri-san about…but…was that Eiri-san? …uh, just stop thinking, you get yourself into trouble when you think too much…

I hear him sigh. "Sarcasm Ryuichi, sarcasm. You've already mentioned something about it."

Oh…I see…

"What happened anyway?"

"So did you talk to Tohma before he left?" No, no! We are not talking!

He raises an eyebrow at me. Please…please just understand… "I did…why?"

"I don't know…why…did he leave without saying goodbye?"

"Wish I could answer that for you. he just said it was important. That's all he bothered telling me."

"Oh…" Tohma…

"He'll be back, trust me."

It almost sounds like he doesn't want him to. Jeez…

"Hmm…"

"Listen, just get some sleep. You look worn out."

…yeah… "Ok…good night Eiri-san…"

"You know, you don't have to call me Eiri-san."

"…ok…?" Why are you saying this to me...?

"I don't like formalities. Just call me Eiri."

"…ok, na no da. …good night, Eiri."

"Hmm, good night."

Maybe…we'll actually end up liking each other…who knows. We'll see…for now…it's sleepy time for Ryu.

* * *

_Owari_

_**Please read!**_

Whoot! Next chapter's gunna be _fun_! Anyway, OH! This is going to be the pathetic writer talking but…I have a favor for those of you interested. Umm…see I know how pathetic this will sound, and I haven't been exactly deserving of a reward from you guys due to the lateness and all but well…I'd _really_, really like feed back on my other fan fics. So please? Please would you! I'll understand if you don't like Kingdom Hearts or Yu-Gi-Oh, but, if you do like one of them, could you read one? I have like…oi, three Kingdom Hearts fics. They're called _Golden Moons and Unbreakable Silver Chains_, _Tribute to the Paopu Fruit, Destinies Stay Intertwined_, and _Prophecies and Fairytales, Destiny and Soul mates_. And yeah, it'd be really nice! Oh my Yu-Gi-Oh one, it's getting close to being finished now is called _Lights on the Littoral_ it's pretty good, people like it. Soo…please? Please could you? I'd love you all forever and be your slave! Umm…in no sick way at all, promise. Oh, and if you like Harry Potter read Tohma's! It's shinny! Oh and if you like Yu-Yu- Hakusho, read my lovely Katy's! Ok, just look in our profile! They're all there, well Katy's is under favorite authors, and she's Mistress of Muses! Whoo! Anyway, I'd really like that people. Alright, love you all! Thanks for reviewing! Hopefully…the next chapter will be out soon…whether I have to break the damn pattern or not. Uh, ok, later!

Ryu


	6. Irresistible Overbearing Reminiscence

_**False Hope with New Beginnings**_

Disclaimer: it's two AM in the morning grandma…you win…so I'll tell you that I do not own Gravitation, or it's songs or any video games or books mentioned in this fic…

Ok, I'll start out with this: GOMEN NISAI! I AM SORRY! JE REGRETE! …This fic hasn't been updated in almost a year…and I'm really sorry! I doubt you all want to hear my life story so I'll spare you the boredom. All I'll say is, a lot of stuff happened all at once and plus Tohma and I have been plotting this thing out for SO long that it took till now to finish for you all. So I'll get to the reviews and then begin our story. Thank you SO MUCH for being patient with us. ::bows::

Warning: This contains rape, talks of rape and child molestation, a few lemons, and death, and…suicide. …And…something else I won't give away yet… So NOW to the reviews.

Haninozuka Mitsukuni: Wows! Thanks a bunch. Oh man, I know its sooo late and I have very little excuse. But here's the update and an apology to you a thousand times more. ::bows a lot:: And::blush:: Thank you! Thank you for thinking I'm cute!! You might not think that anymore…and I'm really sorry!! But you're too kind::bows again and hands over big plate of cookies::

Harperslover: Oh my gosh! Arigatou gozaimásu! You have NO idea how much you've helped us get this updated as quickly as possible. Seriously, one day I notice there 19 reviews instead of 18 and saw yours. I totally need to make you a picture or a fanfic or something! Seriously, if you read this again, just tell me what you want and I'll totally give it to you! Thank you so, so very much::bows lots of times:: I want to apologize for the wait! Well…happy birthday to the story I suppose. Thank you again! You words were so simple but they meant a lot. Domo!!

And now on to the show I suppose.

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_Chapter 6: Irresistible Overbearing Reminiscence_

I'm up, sitting straight in the bed, staring terrified at the window. A smirking silhouette watching me, just outside of it, daring me to move. Shivers start to run up and down my spin. My body's frozen and I don't remember how to tell it to move.

I know something's there this time. Right in front of me, waiting to strike however it wants.

I…I've never been…this scared…this sure in my life…I'm going to die this time…their going to break the window and come in…!

Oh gods…! Please…Tohma…!

My shivering turns to trembling and my body is wracked with fear and confusion.

I dare not look away…

I dare not look…

I don't know if I'm seeing this or if this is real…

Oh gods…please…kudasái!

My eyes close shut from the pain of holding back my tears but I force them back open.

Though…

Nothing is there any more…

Could…that really have been made up…?

I can breathe again, but I'm still shaking and crying, only from embarrassment and foolishness.

Why am I so stupid…?

"Baka…"

"Ryuichi?"

I look to the side of the bed and see Eiri sitting there, gazing worriedly at me.

Only…when he sees my face his eyes go as wide as mine were.

"What is it? What the hell happened Ryuichi?"

The words form in my mouth, but I shove them back down my throat.

…The last time I told someone about something like this…my paranoia. …I was laughed and told I had a very childish out look on life still.

So I shake my head and look over back to the window, seeing nothing that could prove myself right.

"Look, I'm not going to tease you about having a bad dream."

So close…but that's not why at all…

"N-no…it's ok…"

Gods my voice sounds weak…

"Ryuichi-"

I move my head in dissent again, only this time; I lean into him and start to cry a little.

I want Tohma back so bad…Eiri…he can't really help me with this. …he doesn't understand…I barely do…

Oh gods…I beg him to at least be the touch I need.(consider rephrasing) …I need the human contact…I need someone there when this happens…

"Ryuichi?"

"Please…" oh gods I'm so vulnerable… "I know we…don't get along very…well…but please…please…I beg you to…hold me…"

I hear a sigh come from him, but it doesn't sound irritated this time as I feel his arms wrap around me and enfold me tight.

My body relaxes and I can finally concentrate on my breathing…his breathing as well.

Maybe it was I dream…don't remember waking up…I don't remember my eyes being open…

Why does this happen? …Why am I so weak…?

"You gunna live now?"

I don't know how to answer that so I just melt farther into his warmth and let my fear dry along with my tears as I begin to fall back into sleep…

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Hey."

"Nan…i…?" whoa, I think Eiri's eyes are really pretty, but having a close up of them this early in the morning…

"You wanna talk to Tohma?"

Tohma…? "Yeah…" Even though that's my instant response to everything…

"Kay, here."

I love those awkward moments when a friend hands you something and, for example, if it's a phone, they put it to your ear.

"O hyo…?"

"Good morning Ryu. I did tell Eiri not to wake you, however since you're up now…"

"Is something wrong?" Now I'm awake.

"No, but I am worried about you. What happened last night?"

"…I don't know I just…I didn't even know if I was asleep or not…I…I'm sorry."

"Why are you apologizing?"

"Because I always do this…and I don't mean to be paranoid but…it just…"

"Don't worry Ryu, it will be fine. I'm the one who must apologize for my absence. I know you need someone there when that happens."

"It's ok…I feel bad for freaking Eiri out…I kinda…used him as the human connection."

"I'm glad that he could help then. However, I will be home tonight."

"Really!?" Got get excited about that.

"Yes, I should get back around five, six at the latest."

"Yay! That's nappy!"

"Yes. I'll see you tonight then."

"Yup! Six at the latest!"

"Correct. Much love."

"Love you, bye!"

I hear the other line disconnect and I hang up the phone, jumping up from my bed to- wait, my bed? …When did…? Never mind, I won't ask.

"You feel any better?"

I look to see Eiri standing in the door frame, smoking, as usual… "Umm, yeah."

"What happened?" he takes a long drag and then stares at my with those damn gorgeous, deadly eyes. …geh…

"I don't know…even when I was little…I've always been afraid of being followed around by something. …Though being older…I'm more afraid of a person following me around. I don't know…I'm so paranoid I just…"

"Did your parents give you a lot crap for it?"

He comes in and sits next to me, and I cringe a little at the smoke filling my lungs, but ignore and focus back on his question.

"…I never really had parents…"

I blink then start laughing at the look on Eiri's face.

"Does that really surprise you Eiri?"

"…A little, I guess I just figured out of all the people in this group…you'd be the one with a whole family."

"I don't know…I was in an orphanage till I was about seven. Then…by some sort of…I guess fate is what you would call it. Tohma's family went to the orphanage I was at in Hawaii and then…they took me in. But…Tohma was really the only person who I ever considered a part of my family. …Those people…"

"Yeah, them I know about. Since Tohma and my family collaborate a lot I knew what they did behind closed doors and how much they changed during parties."

"Wait…why'd we never meet then? I mean…I never went down to the parties because large crowds used to freak me out but…"

"I was only ever at the Seguchi resident during parties and twice after. Once before you apparently showed up and the other time was after…"

"Oh…"

Gods…Tohma's family was…horrible…

It's like Cromwell to the Irish…

Even to me…

But wait…now that I think about it…

"Eiri…I remember one time…during the party where that man from the huge corporation that's now in America was there…and Tohma was really depressed. So I promised to come down for a little while…and I remember a boy sitting on the porch…writing in a purple notebook…"

"That was me."

I smile to myself. "Hmm, I thought so…"

"I saw you that day too. You were clinging to Tohma's shirt and hiding behind him. I remember back then thinking that you looked absolutely beautiful."

"Wh-what?" I blush…did Eiri really…say that to me.

"I'll tell you a secret…when I first saw Shuichi…I almost wanted to believe that he was that little boy I saw hiding behind Tohma…but, then I had to remind myself that, that little boy was Tohma's most cherished friend…Ryuichi Sakuma. You know…before we met that one time…I always…wanted to meet you. …From what Tohma always told me…and what I saw…I just…heh, that day I figured out I was attracted to boys."

I don't…know what to say…

"I…never knew Eiri…and we met in such a…terrible way…"

"You know though, I saw you one other time before then. It was after your first concert. I almost talked to you then, but you were grabbed by another man and…I left after saying good-bye to Tohma."

"…Yes! You were there! And I almost came over to say hi then too! But Yumi…"

Oh gods…why'd I sat that…? "Yumi? Wait-"

"J-just…someone I knew. Don't worry about it. A-anyway…what about your family?"

"Teh, you met most of those idiots. Well…except my mom…"

"Your mom?"

"…I haven't talked about her in a long time. …I never even told Shuichi about her."

"Why? …Did something bad happen?"

"…She was the most amazing person in my life. I loved her a lot. Father was better when she was still around. She had this way of being honest but completely peaceful and caring all at once. I don't ever remember her raising her voice. …She seriously was an angel. And I'm serious; I'm not being cliché at all. …But…she smoked about a pack and a half a day. …I found out when I was eight she had lung cancer. …and by the time I was ten…she died. …At least…I got to say good bye to her…"

Eiri…

"…But then I started having trouble coping with all the shit I got from school. So then a year later…Tohma and I went to New York…"

And that's where everything began and ended…

"……"

"……"

Awkward…

"…What I really wonder about…is why we didn't meet the night Tohma finally snapped on his parents. …It was set up so perfect. …My guess is we were just in the wrong place at the wrong time."

"Yeah…" except…I wasn't there because…

"Do you know what happened?"

I look down and stare at the floor. "…Yeah…apparently that morning Tohma came back from college…he said something to him that just…and I guess he just lost it and put that man in his place. …Then like a few months later his mom died of alcohol poisoning. I never knew what happened to his dad after we moved out…"

"The old bastard's probably in some small one room house alone. I hope that fuck dies lonely and guilty as hell."

Me too…

"…I'm sorry about your mom."

"Huh?"

I look up at him. "…I'm sorry about your mom. …I wish…she was still around for you."

He stares at a mark on the floor for a while then finally snuffs out his cigarette in the ash tray he has in his lap, and…smiles…gods that's pretty. "I never would have met any of you. And I really…wonder where my life would be then." He leans in real close and I blush. "Besides, you're quite entertaining when you want to be. I'm glad we finally met."

I blink at him. "…thank you."

"Heh…baka. What are you thanking me for?" and just before I get mad at him for calling me stupid, he kisses my cheek and I just…stare.

"What…was that for…?"

"For being nice to me I guess." He gets up and stretches…I think that's stretching… "Anyway, we should probably clean a little before Tohma gets back. We don't want him cleaning."

"Hmm…yeah ok! Let's clean!"

Hmm…even though it's been a week, I still can't help thinking about all the things Eiri and I talked about that day…

I wonder why he smokes like his mom if she got lung cancer. …Hmm maybe…

Maybe that's exactly it…because his mom smoked. I mean…Eiri isn't the rebel without a cause…

I hope…he doesn't end up like her though…

Gods I'd cry…

Wait a minute…I still haven't known him that long. …but…it feels like I have.

…I wonder how he feels about me.

Geh, back off Juliet…don't be stupid.

Anyway. Now I know why Tohma really went back to Japan that day. To find Eiri a new house to live in.

From the picture he showed us of it, it's almost as big as a house here in America. Which is pretty rare to find in Japan…hmm…

"Ryuichi?"

"Huh?" speaking of Eiri… "What's up?"

He sits down next to me; gosh he looks absolutely serious…

"…It's about moving back to Japan in about a month. …I…I talked to Tohma about this too but…he told me to see if it'd be ok with you as well."

"What is it?" don't you love when your friends do the round about thing…?

"…I was wondering…if you'd both move in with me. …Tohma got me a big house and I don't know…"

My gods…is he allowed to be adorable? He's blushing…

"You don't have to but…"

"Of course."

"What?"

"Tee-hee, of course, I'd love to. And I bet that'd make Tohma happy. So yeah."

Creepy…he's having a me moment. "…Heh, thanks."

I decide to tease him a little and get all serious and lower my voice. "What are you thanking me for baka?"

He glares at me and I laugh. "That's my line, brat." I'm suddenly grabbed and shoved onto the bed as he somehow finds my tickle spot and tortures me!

"H-hey! Eiri you total jerk! S-stop it!"

"Brats deserve the punishment they ask for."

"But I didn't ask for-"

"In a round about way you did."

"Ahh! Stop it!" I hate being tickled because I laugh way too much and my sides start to hurt and I get all tired and out of breath. "Please! I can't…breathe…!"

"…Alright, alright, baka." He presses our foreheads together and suddenly I want to ask when he got on top of me…

Gods…he's so pretty…I think I'm finally seeing the real Eiri…

"Sorry, I wasn't trying to make you suffocate."

"It's ok…I think I needed to laugh like that actually."

"Hmm, then I'm glad." And without any warning he kisses me…not like…last time…but he's actually _kissing_ me.

"E-Eiri?"

"I'm tired, you should go to bed too, ne? See you in the morning Ryuichi."

And with that he smiles at me and leaves…and all I can think about now is…

How good that kiss felt…

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Christmas!!!"

One of my favorite times of the year. Yay!

I wonder if we're going to do anything special.

Last year was really fun. We went to Colorado and stayed in the mountains with all of Bad Luck and oh my gosh it was amazing. Tohma had lots of fun too. …I wonder why I didn't meet Eiri then either…

Anyway, I hope we have lots of fun today too!

I run into the kitchen and Tohma's already there making breakfast.

"Morning Tohma!!"

"Good morning Ryu, Merry Christmas."

"Tee-hee, Merry Christmas! But…wait, where's Eiri?"

"Still sleeping. Would you get him up for me?"

"Ok, I can do that!"

I jog over to Eiri's room and open the door. "Morning!! It's time to get up Eiri!"

I hear a groan from underneath the covers and watch as an arm comes up and dismisses me.

"What for…?"

"Because Tohma's almost done with breakfast, and its Christmas."

"…Uhh…don't you believe in sleeping in?"

"Uhh…it's noon."

"…Then Tohma's not making breakfast."

"Ok…Brunch."

"Kay…"

"……"

I wonder if he's going to get up…

"Mind coming over here?"

"Huh?" I love how I do whatever I'm told even without noticing… "What's up?" I lean down because I think he said something but is mumbling into the bed. "What'd you say?"

"Gah!!" suddenly I'm down on the bed and Eiri is over me staring really seriously into my eyes…and now I officially have the right to blush…

"I swear, you and Shuichi are both children when it comes to holidays." He nuzzles my neck lightly but I still moan and have this slight urge to push him away. "But…honestly, you're the reminder of what the holidays are really about. …Heh, its funny…I regret not going with you all to Colorado last year."

I blink at him, and now I'm a little confused because he looks sad. "Eiri?"

"Sorry, just a passing thought. But…anyway, Merry Christmas Ryuichi."

And he kisses me but I just don't have the will to push him away or tell him to stop…so I close my eyes and only realize I'm being stared at after I hear Eiri call my name.

"Hmm?"

"You ok?"

"Yeah…we should go see Tohma now."

"Right…"

We get up and now I'm in my thoughtful mood where I'm not sad or angry, but I don't talk a lot. …Which Tohma will surely notice.

"Good morning Eiri. How did you sleep?"

"Ok I guess."

"Sit down both of you, everything's almost ready."

I sit down as directed and watch Eiri go over and pour himself some coffee first then take a seat next to me.

And I blush…

Well…the quiet thoughtful mood didn't last long…

"Ryu are you feeling alright? Your face is flushed." Why does Tohma always notice everything…?

I shake my head frantically but get dizzy and almost fall out of my chair but they both grab hold of me and pull me up.

"Ryu-"

"I-I'm fine Tohma! Just hungry and dizzy…"

Tohma smiles at me and Eiri just rolls his eyes.

And then we are given our food, which looks absolutely amazing!!

So much fruit I don't even know what some of them are. Egg's benedict which is what I look forward to having every Christmas morning and so many juices to choose from I think I might have a heart attack.

"Tohma you rock!!"

I pretty much climb on the table and hug him from there.

"Thank you Ryu, but-"

"Oh my god Ryuichi! Sit down!"

I look over at Eiri, still clinging to Tohma and he's beat _red_. So I just blink and sit back down.

"Umm…Eiri, are you-"

"Ahem. Well then, I have an announcement to make."

"What?"

"This evening the three of us will be going out to dinner." Oh my gosh! Yay! Trust Tohma to plan the fun stuff!!

Yay! "Ooh! Where!?"

"Why would I tell you when I want it to be a surprise." Darn it Tohma…

"Because Eiri doesn't like surprises and Tohma better tell him where we're going this evening."

My gosh…Eiri can be such a-

"I'm sorry Eiri, but you'll just have to wait too."

"Damn it Tohma-"

"If I have to wait you have to wait!"

He growls but lets it go and shoves a piece of mango into his mouth.

"Don't pout Eiri, you'll find out soon enough."

"Yeah, yeah. …What time?"

"Seven sharp."

"Kay. I've go some errands to run today, but I'll be back before then to get ready."

Tohma nods and smiles as Eiri gets up and puts his plate into the sink.

"I'll see you both later."

"Bye Eiri."

"Bye-bye…"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Let's see…I've wrapped my gifts. I just got done with my shower. I've picked out what I'm going to wear for the most part…

I just hope it's not too casual…

Tohma and Eiri can pull off formal attire.

I can't…

It's nice though anyway, so…I'll be ok.

I think…

The door opens though and I turn around and blush.

"D-don't you know how to knock?"

Eiri's blushing too though, because, for one I only have jeans on, and two he only has dress pants on.

Though…that last part is why I'm blushing…I don't think he cares…

"Sorry…I was…" he clears his throat and comes over to me and I almost back into the dresser but tell my body not to move one inch. "I was just wondering if you had a tie I could borrow."

"U-umm…I think I might." I turn and go to open one of my drawers but instead I'm grabbed by my waist and pulled back against Eiri. "H-hey-"

"Are you really going to wear jeans?"

"N-no, I just got out of the shower and-mmmn…!"

I moan as he attacks my neck pushes me more into his body.

"Perhaps you should just wear this. I wouldn't mind."

I'm sure you wouldn't-

"Ah-nnh…!!"

He runs a hand over my chest and shoves two fingers into my mouth as he continues to suck on my neck.

I gasp out his name through two digits when the hand on my chest travels to my jeans and opens them, plunging it inside.

"Gods…! Eiri, stop…!"

I feel him smirk and his only response to me is moving us over to the bed and forcing us to fall on it without even breaking contact once.

"Yamerú!"

But he won't stop, he just keeps doing it…!

So I grab the pillow and bury my face into it while I cry out and whimper as Eiri keeps his hand right where it's been.

And finally I tense up and bite down into the soft feathery object to stifle the one word I let escape my lips.

"Eiri…!"

I'm still clutching the pillow even as Eiri lets go of me and bends down to whisper into my ear. "Just a little pay back for this morning."

I feel him get off the bed and leave the room, probably with a stupid smirk on his face.

Why does he get me so flustered!? I sit up and embarrassingly fix my pants and look at my bed and groan.

With just that little of commotion, it looks like we wrestled or something in it. And all I did was grab for something soft…

Kuma's staring at me with warning full eyes and I just grab him and turn him over. That was not for little bunny's to be seeing.

"Hentai Kuma…"

"Ryu-are you alright?"

I blush and grab Kuma. "I-it was Kuma's fault! He wouldn't give me one of my…earrings!"

"But your crying."

"I-I got frustrated and I also stabbed myself on the needle part thing…"

Why am crying though…?

I shake my head and get up. "It's ok now, I'm all better. But Kuma's not getting anything to eat tonight."

He stares at me then just smiles and shakes his head. "That seems like reasonable punishment."

I laugh and then carefully put Kuma down. "But, I need to get dressed now, ne?"

"Alright, but hurry a little."

"Kay!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Holy…"

"Wow!!"

"I knew you two would like it."

It's only my favorite place ever in New York! They built it only two years ago and it's amazing!

Oh my gosh, I adore Angel's Ashes!

"Tohma your awesome!" I glomp him and he just hugs me back.

"So I've heard."

"You out do yourself every time…"

"Only the best for you two."

"Yay!"

I want to run in but I decide that would be way too obvious so we walk in and the manager is the one to take us to our private room.

And it's absolutely gorgeous…

It's pretty big, with a nice little table in the middle, with this amazing balcony that has the most astonishing view I've ever seen. And there's art all around the walls.

Gods…Tohma does way too much for us sometimes…no…all the time…

"May I get you all something to drink?"

"I would like a glass of 2003 Dominus Cabernet Sauvignon if you have that, thank you"

"Get me the strongest Vodka you have."

"And for you sir?"

"Umm…" Geez everyone's getting alcohol and all I want is juice… "May I have juice?"

"…What kind of juice sir?"

"Uhh…do you have peaches and mango?"

"Yes."

"Kay I'll have that! Thank you!"

"I shall have that for you all here shortly."

He nods politely then shuts the door when he leaves.

I'm thinking he though I was a child…

"You could have had something more elaborate than that Ryu."

"Yeah but I don't like to drink. …That's ok, I rarely get to have that kind of juice."

"If I were that man, I'd slip some whiskey into that juice."

"Why do you want to see me drunk!?"

"Not drunk, just loosened up a bit."

"I am loose! More than you!"

"No, you're just childish there's a difference."

"Really, both of you are childish."

I puff out my cheeks and glare at Tohma.

But all he does is laugh.

And then I look over at Eiri, who would look exactly like me if his cheeks were puffed out.

Then I laugh too and Eiri chuckles a little as well.

Perhaps…this family could get a lot stronger by the time we head back to Japan…

I've already opened most of my presents from Tohma…considering he got me _a lot_.

So far I've gotten so many cool things I don't know what to do with them.

These items include:

A chocolate fountain

A moogle plushie!

A whole case of my favorite juice _ever_

A whole case of my second favorite juice ever

The most softest hand made delicate art work and all, blanket, with a huge detailed face of a wolf.

And he said there was one more…but…he won't let me open it yet…

So then Eiri opens his gift and after prying open the package he lifts up this gorgeous pocket watch, and Eiri is _smiling_. The most beautiful smile I've ever seen from him.

"Tohma…I love it-" but he pauses and studies the gold and silver covering for a little bit then his smile brightens even more. And he just gets up and walks over to Tohma, hugging him tightly. "Thanks."

"You're welcome Eiri."

"I'm guessing it's my turn then. Alright…"

He straightens up and looks at Tohma seriously then hands out the pocket watch he was just given. "Look, I found you this pretty snazzy pocket watch."

Both of us frown and Tohma just smiles awkwardly at him. "Thanks Eiri…"

"Heh, just kidding." And then he hands over a sweetly wrapped present.

"Thank you."

"You haven't even opened it yet."

"True." Tohma just smiles and then carefully rips off the paper to reveal a _really_ pretty wooden box. And then he opens that too, and there's a _really_ pretty bottle inside. And the liquid is a _deep_ red, and I'm half way tempted to ask for a sip already. "It's lovely. Arigatou gozaimásŭ." They again and I can't help but feel happy.

I almost forget that I'm there till Eiri turns to me and walks over. "As for your gift…I guess I never thought to get you one."

"Oh…that's ok, I don't-"

"Heh, I'm just messing with you baka. Now close your eyes."

I blink then cover my face with my hands as I feel him go behind me. And I'm suddenly glad that my hands are covering up the blush that over takes my cheeks…

Then I feel something hanging from my neck. "You can look now."

I look down and words fall short as I pick up the smooth piece of intimately carved metal into my fingers.

A dragon…with a fairy riding it wrapped around the moon and stars.

And I look up at him and smile whole heartily, embracing him off guard.

"Th-thank you!"

"I was hoping you'd like it."

I let go and stare at it a little longer then look up at Tohma and show him.

"Very nice. It suits you well."

I giggle then get up and grab my presents giving the first one to Eiri.

"Why is it so big?"

"Why don't you open it?"

"Smart ass…alright." He tears off the paper and finds a shiny iron case. He looks it over, unsure of what to think, then unlatches the lock and open the top.

I laugh when his jaw drops a little.

"Uh…it's absolutely beautiful. …But what do I do with it?"

"Tee-hee, I don't know, whatever you want."

He picks it up from the velvet protection and traces the craftsmanship with his fingers. "What is it?"

I go to answer but-

"A keyblade Ryu? When you said you were getting Eiri an unique gift, I'm sure this is what I pictured."

"Keyblade?"

"Hmm, I'll have to have you play Kingdom Hearts now."

"Ok…will that explain this?"

"Yup."

"I guess I'll have to then. …I do like it though. No one's ever given me something like this. Thank you."

"Heh, you're welcome…"

So now…time to give Tohma his…

I go over to him and sit down on the floor next to him, handing him the small box that is his. …I feel cheap…but I spent a lot of time working on it and designing so…

He opens the box and instantly smiles.

"I was wondering where you would wonder off to during lunch."

"Do you…like it?"

"It's perfect." He slips it on. And I actually think I did something right, because it fits Tohma very well.

It's a key too…because once I'm on something, you can't get me off that mind set for a while. But, it's silver and it has 'friendship' inscribed into the body, while 'love' is at the base where the wings meet. And the most important part is that the wings are cradling a paopu fruit.

And if…no one knows what that means. I'd be happy to explain it a million times over.

It means your destinies will be intertwined forever. And I like it because, you can use it for friendship too. So you could share one with anyone.

But it means something…

Heh…mostly that I'm a dork and I love video games too much but…

We hug and no words need to be said at all.

"Jeez, you could be choked by how much love there is in this room."

"You really know how to spoil a moment…" My gosh he's sarcastic…

"Sorry, I wasn't trying to. But anyway, would you two mind if I went to have a smoke."

"Go ahead Eiri."

"I mind…"

"Heh, don't be like that. I'm not going any where. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger."

Yeah, but resection doesn't mean free man…

"Be right back."

"Alright Eiri."

I shake my head as the door closes.

"It'll be fine Ryu. No worries."

"Yeah…ok." I sigh and then look up at Tohma. "I also…made something else for you but…it's kinda dumb on my part. Remember when I was learning how to sow and stuff?"

"I do."

"Well…I've been working on this for awhile and only recently got it done. …So…here."

I didn't wrap it but what I made Tohma was in fact…

…An Eiri plushie.

And all Tohma does is take it and chuckle slightly. "Thank you Ryu. I'll make sure certain eyes don't find it."

"Hee, hee…you're welcome. …Merry Christmas Tohma."

"And to you as well Ryu."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's been a week since Christmas…

And yet I'm still sort avoiding Eiri…

Though…that gift Tohma saved for last. Gods, I wish I could wear it everyday.

It was a traditional Geisha kimono.

I know I'm a boy, but gods…I've always, _always_ wanted one so bad.

It was the most magnificent thing I've ever seen.

There are flowers of red and white, and the whole thing is mainly black…so pretty.

I put it on the day after and went every where with it on.

Eiri wouldn't stop blushing that day…

Gods…I wish I knew what he felt for me…

I can't tell…I wish he'd tell me…

Oh well…

I found out we're going back to Japan in two days.

I'm excited about that.

The pictures Tohma's shown me of Eiri's new house were gorgeous…we'll see how all three of us living together will go though…

Only two days to find out…

I'm still avoiding him…

Even after being back in Japan for three days…

I'm living in his house…yet I barely say anything.

We talk at dinner and stuff…

But even then it's Tohma who does most of the talking.

Today though it's like he's been evading me though.

Every time I walked into a room it was like the plague came with me or something and he just miraculously remembered a book he had to finish or a person he had to call…

I can't blame him when I've been doing it to him too though…

Oh well. I wonder where he is now. He didn't show up for dinner…

I sigh and roll on to my back and look up at the ceiling.

…If only…I knew what he was thinking.

"Ahh!"

Suddenly I hear something break and I sit up immediately looking around the room only to see nothing of the kind broken.

Then I remember my window's open and look outside to see shattered glass all over the side walk.

…what could have-

I freeze there in front of me…right there in front of me are two eyes…

Smirking and laughing at the fear in mine.

I can feel their breath through the screen.

And then they lift up their hand and rest it against mine as if we know one another very well.

I want to move away…but nothing's listen to the screaming in my head.

And I start to feel heavy and then my vision becomes smaller and smaller till finally…

"Ryu! Ryu!?"

I open my eyes and see Tohma above me.

My head hurts real bad.

And as the feeling starts to come back to my body, I realize I'm lying on the floor. …Oh gods…

I fainted…

And fell off my bed…

"What happened? Ryu, are you alright?"

I'm lifted up and placed back on the bed.

"…I feel sick…"

I look up from Tohma's worried face but stiffen when I see Eiri staring at me from the door frame, then walk away.

"Ryu?"

"I'm fine Tohma…" I'm not actually, but I just want to go to bed now.

"Ryu…" I hear that parental 'don't lie to me tone'.

I pause to think. I guess…oh! I could tell Tohma what I just told myself!

"…I'm…really tired Tohma…I just want to go to bed now..."

His gaze is suspicious but he lets it go. "Alright Ryu," he goes to leave but then turns around. "Ryu, I am going to visit Mika, so I will be back later."

"Ok Tohma…" I smile falsely sweet at him and watch him go out the room and I sit on the bed. …what am I going to do? This is the second time I think I've seen someone…what if I'm going crazy? Gods…how can I even say anything to Tohma about this? I close my eyes and bury my head into my hands.

"So what's up with you?" With what?

"What do you mean?" I feel sick…gods I need to stop whining…

"Why are you recoiling from me?"

Why are we getting into this? But maybe it's because us being together would be as bad as Romeo and Juliet. …Only Tohma would be the one killing himself. "…because I really just don't feel you need to be so close to me," I keep looking away from him. I also didn't like it because…it reminded me…of times I'd rather not think of.

"…Baka," he comes over to me on the bed and lifts up my chin. "That's the lamest excuse I've heard in a long time."

I feel a blush creeping up my cheeks. "Stop it Eiri…"

"Stop what Ryu?" he leans in close and nips my lip. "Don't be that way. I can already tell you want me," he goes to kiss me. But suddenly I'm not even in that room anymore. I'm in that house…that god forsaken house. …And Yumi's standing over me…taking what he whatever wants…

Swiftly my body just reacts, my arms fly up and push the other body away, and I can barely hear myself scream. "No! Please stop it Yumi! I don't want that! No more…" I begin to sob. The reality of the situation starts to come back. …And I think I just called Eiri, Yumi...Yumi, my old haunting, beautiful, horrific lover.

"Who's Yumi?" he sounds concerned yet partially ticked, and I don't know what to think of that. "Did he rape you or something? So then are you calling me a rapist?"

I shake my head, how could he possibly accuse me of that when he doesn't understand anything. "N-no…and I'm sorry…he was…he was…" I lower my head, half in shame half in embarrassment. "M-my…my…my…" I trail off. What can I say? What I confessed that one night was not even one forth of my story. …If I tell Eiri my past…then…that will bring back memories I'd rather not get into…but…maybe…if I told someone about this horrifying past of mine…maybe…I could let it go and truly forget it…even to the point…of being myself again.

"He was your what?" I'm back to staring him and watch Eiri light a cigarette and sit on the bed next to me. "I want to hear about your past now. I've only gotten one thing out of what Tohma told me, and what you mentioned. It sounds…very similar, if not worse than mine."

"Maybe…I know a little about yours…" I got a little out of Tohma as well.

I hear him sigh and take a long drag of the cursed cancer maker. Then sifts slightly and stares at the floor. "…The person I loved and trusted most, at the time me and Tohma were in New York…he almost raped me. Not only that, but he sold me to a bunch of sleazy bitches. One of them had a gun. I ended up grabbing it in time and shot those two guys dead…and then I shot Yuki. …I blacked out after that and only remember when Tohma found me. I cried and yelled. It still haunts me, and it's what kept me from getting too close to Shuichi for the longest time…but whatever. Anyway, what's this mysterious past all about?"

"…Yumi…was my lover for most of my younger years…till I was about 22…and that last year…he…he…" I struggle so much with this part…I had the worst time telling Tohma about it. I wonder if I sounded like this back then too…?

"He what? Abused you?"

"…in a lot of ways…yes. He abused my love and trust for him and he abused my heart and body. He…r…raped me…practically…to death that last year…the worst part about it though…it wasn't that it was against my will…but instead…that it felt good for a while…that hurt the worst…I couldn't even call it rape…"

"…tell me the whole story." Eiri…

I bit my lip and end up staring at the ground too. "…alright Eiri…but…it's long…"

"That's fine. I like stories," he lays back upon the bed and I sift my gaze to the ceiling as all the pictures begin to come back in full focus. Well...here I go.

_Flash Back_

"OH YEAH!!!" the excitement exuded from the young male as he completely latched himself onto his friend, smiling and crying tears of joy and relief. "Tohma we did it! We have a single out!"

"Yes Ryu, we finally did it," the blond embraced the smaller boy back, patting his head gently.

"Hey, doesn't your boyfriend get any of that love?"

Ryuichi looked over at his beloved, walking over to him and hugging the other warmly. "Of course, Yumi. Love you! We couldn't have done without you, Yumi!"

"Heh, thanks love. …So...do I get a reward for that?"

"Urm...uhh...well...err, Tohma! ...when is the CD coming out in stores?"

"I believe in about a week."

"Great! Do you think we'll get rich fast and go gold in the first week!?"

Laughing lightly at the brunette's enthusiasm, Tohma pats the boy's shoulder and smiles warmly at him. "We shall see Ryu."

"Now, about that reward my little bunny," the strawberry chocolate haired male swiftly embraced the excited boy from behind, whispering teasingly into his ear.

"N-not in front of Tohma!"

Yumi chuckled at his lover's concern. "Of course not. I would never do anything like that."

"...I don't know...I kinda just want to go to bed...making a CD is tiring..."

Sighing the older man lets go of his young love. "You just don't want to lose your virginity to me. Come on Ryu, you're like twenty now. Haven't you ever wanted to do anything that's not innocent?"

"..." looking up at the sky, Ryu ponders for a bit.

"Oi vay..." rolling his eyes, the taller one grabs the childish bunny lover's wrist and begins to drag him off.

"Come on Ryu, its way past your bed time little boy."

"H-hey! I didn't get to say goodbye to Tohma!"

Smiling awkwardly at the situation, Tohma only waved good-bye to the two. "Goodbye Ryu. See you on Wednesday."

"Bye Tohma..."

_Later in the evening_

Passed out cold from exhaustion, Ryuichi slept in some what of disarray upon the bed alone with his companion gone.

"Hmm...Tohma...no don't go...please. ...don't give up...not now."

The door creaking open, a dark figure walked slowly and drunkenly into the room, approaching the resting place of the weary brunette.

"Nnh...no...no...No!" waking up with a start, blue eyes try to instantly focus on the stranger touching his shoulder. "Y...Yumi?"

"Hi," kissing the younger boy's neck, Yumi fully climbs onto the bed, straddling the other beneath him.

Blushing immediately, slender hands begin to push away the older man on top. "Y-Yumi…"

"Don't give me that. You know Ryu; I'm a little frustrated with you. We've been together since our sophomore year of high school, and yet, you still aren't all that comfortable with me touching you in any way, besides a light kiss here and there, which, by the way, you give those exacts rights to Tohma."

"Th...there's nothing wrong with not being ready for something like that...I just...I just can't Yumi...and I'm really sorry...and I...I trust you more than anything but...I can't even trust myself with...with something like that..." looking away from purple eyes, the blush on his cheeks turns to a whole new type of embarrassment.

"I'd be gentle Ryu. I hope you know I wouldn't hurt you," giving the exposed flesh a few nips, the taller male runs a hand up the loose shirt.

"I-I...I just can't! Please understand Yumi!" trying once more to struggle away, Ryu clutched the hand caressing his chest. "I'm sorry...I'm sorry you have to wait so long...but-"

"But nothing Ryu. It's been five years. Stop playing hard to get," gripping the other's shoulders painfully, Yumi pulls the boy up into a bruising kiss.

"Mmmmn!" fear taking over the small male, the brunette pushes his friend away. "Stop it."

"No, you stop it. Stop resisting, you can't stay innocent for the rest of your life. You'll go insane, and so will I. It gets to a point Ryu where it's ridiculous to wait. It gets old chasing after something you can never get. You told me you wanted to be more than friends Ryu, well in my perspective, we're nothing more than friends."

"...I don't know how to be more than just a friend..."

"That's where you must trust me." Providing this acquaintance a comforting glance, the strawberry chocolate haired man kisses him gently.

_Can't do this...I want to be more...but I can't…I can't…it reminds so much of… _"...I just can't...not now...please Yumi...just a little more time."

"I've already waited five years! It's stupid Ryuichi! I'm tired of waiting, so just shut up and enjoy." Grabbing one wrist, the drunken male reached down with the other and unzips and unbuttons the innocent one's jeans.

"Y-Yumi! No!" clutching his boyfriend's hand, blue eyes plead the other to stop.

"I said knock it off!" griping the free arm, Yumi pinned that down with the other. "You're going to stop running away from this Ryu. I know you want this, you just don't want to stain your innocence," leaning over the younger boy, the seme bit down into the sensitive skin of his beloved's neck.

"Ahh! No Yumi! I don't want this! I don't want this to happen again" tears flowed down his cheeks while crying out as the other repeated the action lower.

"Though I don't know what you're going on about, I do want this, now. And I only think its fair that we trade off on what the other wants to do once in a while. You get your way an awful lot Ryuichi, so it's my turn now."

"Yumi, stop!"

"No." pressing their lips together once more, Yumi starts to pull up the others shirt.

Moaning softly Ryu finally slipped one hand out of the tight grasp, his reaction being the instantly slap the other away. "Stop!"

Purple eyes widened as Yumi stopped in mid action, staring down at the person he loved with bewilderment. "...Ryu..."

Crying lightly, the boy only stared back at the strawberry brown haired adult. "I don't want it to happen again…it's not that I'm afraid to lose my innocence…I already have! I'm sorry Yumi! I'm sorry…! But I don't want that to happen again. …I'm sorry…I wish I could be stronger…I wish so bad I could get over it…but…I'm sorry…"

"Oh god Ryu...I'm so sorry...I...shit..." running a hand through his hair, the older male got off of the small trembling form. "..."

"...Yumi, don't worry about it," sitting up, Ryuichi embraced his ahske. _It's my fault anyway..._

_Flash back end_

"That was just the beginning of his weird behavior. Yumi wasn't very violent or aggressive. His actions really scared me that night, but the things he said...he was right...and in a way, I think I should have just let go and let it happen then. I think, maybe then, nothing after that would have happened. I wanted so bad not to be raped again…but I made so much worse for myself." I look over at Eiri-san. He doesn't really have any emotion, but I do see that he's visualizing everything I am. "It was about three weeks after that incident that Tohma left to New York with you."

"So then it's my fault for your misfortunes?" he sounds sad…

"N-no, and nothing about what happened to me was yours or Tohma's fault. I...I blame myself. I shouldn't have been so afraid."

"So that's why Tohma snapped on his family?"

"Yeah…I'm guessing so. He found out and…I woke up in the hospital after Tohma found me the morning after. Tohma found a place after that and we lived together…away from those people."

"I see...well, tell me the rest." he takes a drag from his stupid cancer stick. I swear, who ever invented those should die...maybe they are...oh well...

"Alright...well...a month after Tohma left, Yumi...he came home in about the same state as the last time...only...a lot worse...he wouldn't even listen or bother to respond to what I said to him...it was absolutely...frightening..."

_Flash back_

Screams echoed through the small apartment as Ryuichi lied there crying, utterly naked and trapped, while the other roughly bit into his neck. "Oh god...! Yumi...!"

"I gave you a choice Ryuichi. We could have done this the soft and easy way, but you just had to act like I was trying to rape you. Therefore, I will, if that's how you want to see It." Ceasing for a moment to strip himself of his own clothes, Yumi leans back in to kiss the struggling boy.

"Yumi, no! Not like this! Please not like this!"

"Too late, the choices were made and here we are. Try not to scream too loud Ryu, I really don't want to deal with any neighbors." Without any warning or ease, the older male forces his sex deep inside the lithe form, creating an agonizing scream from the other.

Slapping Ryuichi, the strawberry brunette growls in anger. "I told you not to scream."

"...but...it hurts...so...much..."

"I gave you a different option. I told you I would get this no matter what it took. Did you think I was bluffing, Ryu? Did you think I was kidding? Well, now you know I meant what I said. I wouldn't lie. Your innocence ends here Ryuichi Sakuma."

_Flash back end_

I'm looking down. I can still see and feel everything that happened that night. Though this time, I'm standing there, watching helplessly, like in my dreams so long ago. The difference now is, Eiri-san is standing there with me, and he's helpless too. All we can do is watch. All I can do is watch, I can't take it back.

"...did you leave him after that?"

I look over at Eiri-san, he still has almost no emotion, only now, I can tell there's a mask hiding what whatever he really feels. I think that's just the person Eiri-san is though...very good at masking, just like Tohma...just like me... "No...no I didn't, couldn't. What happened after he did what he did...he closed his eyes and when he opened them...it was like he was out of his lethal trance, he began to weep, he...he held me...I cried too. He promised me that night he would never let this happen again. But...his promise stayed true for a year. A year later though, it happened again. The exact same thing. The start, the ending, everything. Another promise, and two weeks later it was broken, then one week, then three days, then...it happened...all the time, and there were no more promises, no more tears...even I stopped crying after a while. I stopped caring. He had pretty much broken me. Though...not entirely, I still struggled every now and again. I kept Tohma completely in the dark. I knew he was suspicious, but I told him to stay in New York with you. I knew he didn't trust Kitazawa-san one bit. I think after the stories I heard from Tohma, I didn't either. I didn't want you to be left alone with Kitazawa-san and I didn't want Tohma to worry...so I let it go and just let Yumi keep doing those things to me. After a while, everything became numb and I even began to avoid talking to Tohma. When I did, I made up lame excuses of being busy and such and told him I couldn't talk long. Once again, I let it go on for a year. I was 22 by the time it finally ended. This night...I remember everything...it was raining hard, tons of thunder and lightening. I was laying in my bed, no thoughts, no tears, and no pain. I was just there, I was just another human being. But, I remember when Yumi came home that night...it's when I found out why he was so violent and hurtful...he had been taking all these new kinds of drugs...he was a lab rat for this awful, evil man. At the time, he was the owner for XMR records. This man had many connections, very powerful, but he was a drug dealer and maker...he met Yumi while Yumi was trying to get our band famous...I found out...that Yumi had made a deal with the man that if he tested his drugs, he would give Nittle Grasper a chance. ...that night...when Yumi brought this man over…he watched as…Yumi…" I close my eyes and feel the tears well up for this story in what's been the longest time. …And again…there's the pain of that moment.

"...I know what you mean, so you don't have to say it."

I nod at him and pause for a second. "...that was the night...since forever...I struggled so hard...and all I got for it was bleeding to death...literally. That was also the roughest I had gotten treated. …And even after he was done…even when I thought it was finally over…it was far…far from over. …"

_Flash back_

_How...how could you...why Yumi...? _Tears gently rolled down Ryuichi's cheeks while blood flowed with it from his mouth.

"I see why you keep him around Yumi. What a beautiful little boy." gripping the broken boy's chin, the strange man pulled it up to look over the cherubic face.

"He is."

"Yumi. ...why?"

"Why? Why what Ryu? If you're asking why am I doing this, then why didn't you ask it sooner? Like a year sooner Ryu."

"...but...you promised...you promised me you wouldn't let it happen anymore...you promised me...I had a choice...and you told me...you told me that you loved me more than anything...so then why...why would you do this?"

Laughing the slightly crazed male pushed the other man away from the broken body. "Haven't you figured it out now? Really Ryu, don't be so naive. I lied to you, and what's more Ryu, I never loved you. Stupid boy. Who could for that matter?"

Letting out a sobbed breath the fragile form in Yumi's grasp goes limb and practically lifeless.

"All you have is beauty and singing. That's all that makes up your pathetic life." Smirking once more at the once valued lover, the older male let's the hopeless figure go.

"A little harsh Yumi. He has Tohma as a connection."

"True. But Tohma's the only reason Ryu will ever make it far in life."

Blue eyes were glazed over with the deep emotion of apathy. _…Kill me…_

"You know Cheshire, if you want him, you can have him. He's worn out his use to me. He'd be a lot more use to you."

"I'm sure he still has some use to you."

"Like what, a fuck toy? Even then, I get tired of his struggling. If he has another thing going for himself, it's will."

"Hmm, a good will. I guess I could use someone like him then." He grabbed the small male, forcing Ryuichi into a sitting position, only to have said male to yell out in pain.

Slapping the weak child, the dark leader pulled out his gun from his coat pocket, setting the tip upon the sweat covered locks. "Be silent, and I'll make this go easy for you."

"See, he's quite a pest."

"Maybe a little, but I'll break him out of it. Mind if I test him out."

"You think I care?"

"Hmm, good point." There was no restraint as the holder of the broken form threw it into the soaked sheets, following after upon the bed.

_End Flash Back_

"…It was like getting a cut following another. It didn't hurt, but after a while you start to realize you don't want the scars any more. …While that man…ravaged me…I was finally at the end. …It's always taken a lot to get me truly angry. …Being raped by him was the final push…"

_Flash Back_

He stared up at the man with a gun as he fixed his appearance, though something had finally snapped inside the brunette's head. "..." _...no more._ Snatching the gun away from the drug dealer, blue eyes focused eerily clear and shot the man sporadically. "Go to hell."

"Ryuichi!"

Blood spilled over the wounded shoulder as anger flared at the current gun's owner. "You little brat!"

"It's over, I'm done with this." Death in mind, the fatal aim centered upon the raging producer while a thin hand cocked the gun.

"Ryu, don't!" Yumi's trance had gone as he quickly ran over to the crazed male and tried to grab the gun away.

Hitting his ex lover over the head with the gun, the small figure targets the frightful person once more, and pulls the trigger with no remorse or hesitation.. "That's for treating me like your property." Ryuichi got up to stand over the cold dead body, staring in demented fascination. "It's nice to see the corporates are still mortal…" smiling slightly, the shaking arms raise once more and puts another bullet through his rapist's system, adding another shortly after, and another. "Die…" his vision finally gave out on him, turning his world into a spinning dark room and ultimately the wooden floor as his legs gave out.

Groaning, the unconscious figure raised to his knees, rubbing his head.

Another click was heard to indicated the holder of the pistol was aiming and ready to kill.

"...Ryu-"

"Don't you dare say my name."

Purple eyes closed to the sight of his deadly lover, opening with tears filling them to the brim.

"Why are you crying!? There's absolutely nothing to cry about now! How could you!?" the flow of emotions spread to the small boy as well was streams of salty liquid fell down his cheeks.

"...I'm crying...because of realization. ...it's no excuse...but...the drugs I took...clouded my mind...this past year seemed like some sort of dream...I felt as though I was a sleepless beauty...all of my actions were so...mechanical...but...It was never an excuse...that I hurt you...I'm a truly half-assed lover. ...I couldn't even control myself...I am the idiot...I am the worthless one...I am the one...that should have been raped..."

"...You're lying...again...aren't you...you just want me to spare your life..."

"...heh, in all honesty...I never really valued my life. ...I always wanted to die...maybe in a way...I did all this...to push you into killing me...because...I am too weak to kill myself. ...but I...I never...never should have done what I did...and don't you dare forgive me...because I don't even deserve it. ...hell...I don't even deserve to die...I deserve to...live and suffer...that's what...but by all means...kill me...make me suffer..."

"...don't tempt me..."

"Do it, either that, or tell Tohma...I'm sure he'd make me suffer every moment."

"I will not drag Tohma into this...he doesn't deserve having to worry about another person..." his head lowered, the gun dropped with it.

"...you deserve a lot more than you let your self think Ryuichi Sakuma. A lot more than me and a lot more than the man dead on the floor. ...you deserve to step on people like us...I still wonder...how you ever got into my life..."

"..." Ryuichi looked up at the other, studying him carefully. "...you were always fulfilling only half your promises. You could never do anything fully...could you? Even now...you said you didn't care about me and that...you would just use me as nothing...but...yet...once again...here we are...you do care...and you're not using me as nothing...you could never fulfill a bluff or anything...even that first night...you were still gentle. ...Yumi...you do deserve death. ...in a way...it's a compliment and yet an insult...so…" raising the pistol back to met the other's gaze, the brunette cocked the weapon once more. "...I will give you your wish..."

"...Ryu...I just...I just wanted you to know...I really do love you...and...I actually meant nothing I said earlier...in _all_ honesty."

Tears started to rain down again, the young male whispered softly to the intent listener, as the weather outside reflected the ones inside. "I know Yumi...and I..." it was over in an instantly even though it took forever for the slim finger to pull the tiny metal trigger, making the tip explode and send a sailing bullet through the air and straight through his beloved's heart. "Love you..."

Those last words filled up his last thoughts as Yumi fell to floor with a tiny smile pulling at his lips even though his breathing was lost to his body forever.

The weapon lowered as sanity came creeping back into the brunette's mind as he stared at the lifeless shell. "...Yu...mi..." dropping completely on his hands and knees, Ryuichi crawled over to the said man's body, without dropping the gun. "Yumi...? Yumi?" a sob escaped his lips as he encircled his trembling arms around the dead body. "...you know...you weren't a bad person...just half hearted and half minded most of the time...you weren't evil...just lost in an evil plot. ...I just hope...you won't be too severely punished...because...no matter what you say...I do forgive you..." the small boy looked at Yumi's face, cupping it gently and innocently leaned over to press a farewell kiss goodbye to the motionless mouth. _I always will..._ "...oh...what have I done? ...Oh Yumi..." it dawned on the lonely male what he had done, so he brought the pistol to his line of vision, and rested it to his head. _I've killed a man...no two...what have I done? Oh god...I will never be forgiven for this! _"I've killed people...god won't forgive me anyway." Ryuichi cocked the gun, hoping that there was at least one last bullet to spare. _I'm sorry Tohma._

The door banged open revealing a wide eyed blond as he immediately ran over to the suicidal male. "Ryu, don't!" grabbing the frail wrist, Tohma diverted the last projectile into the ceiling, gripping the hand tighter.

It took the small form to even realize he was still alive. However, he looked at his friend, shock and pain blankly apparent in his face. "...Toh...ma?"

"Ryu, please drop the gun."

Slowly the digits released the object tightened in his grip, both ignoring the clatter as an immense sob came from the smaller one and he exhaustedly fell into the strong pair of arms. "...Tohma...I just did something awful..."

The blond embraced the boy close, trying to sooth the unrestrained cries. "Hush." He ran his fingers through the soaked brown hair, rocking them gently to chase the anguish away. "Oh Ryu."

"Tohma...Tohma...I...I killed...I killed! I killed the person I loved!"

"Shh." Deep blue eyes closed to the scene, but held the other tighter.

"...it never...it never should have ended this way."

_Flash back end_

"...It wasn't too long after that moment I passed out from...many things." So many...I can't even count.

"That's so specific Ryuichi."

"...I just...by then...I had lost a lot of blood...and I was emotionally raw and physically exhausted, and...so many things...I just couldn't handle the stress anymore..."

"...How long were you out?"

"...three months...I think that's what Tohma told me. I just remember waking up and finding him by my side. He was...extremely relieved...he was so worried...I just...really wanted to avoid that...but it seems...all I did was make it worse..."

"...you should have told him sooner."

"I couldn't...he was with you...I didn't want to pull him away...not from the person...he loved so much..."

"...was he ticked at Yumi?"

"No...in a way...he knew what was going on all along. Besides...if he was...I told him not to be...because it was also my fault...even more so than his..."

"Your past…mine can't begin to compare to yours. I don't think I understand why Tohma associated ours together."

"...you were betrayed by the person you loved...so in a way...it's all the same...but..." But what? ...I don't think there was one.

"...What happened to you after you got out of the hospital?"

"...I ended up living with Tohma...he didn't want to let me out of his sight. ...I was so...dead...I had no emotion and everything I did was...unconsciously. I had so many nightmares, I'd wake screaming and crying. I ended up sleeping with Tohma a lot...I'd always go to his room and hug him and sob and...everything." I close my eyes as pictures flood into my head. "...I wouldn't be here...if it wasn't for Tohma..."

"...hmm."

"...I remember...he went off for a few minuets without me one day...I tried once more to commit suicide...he stopped me again...I ended up in a bloody mess though..."

"What were you doing?"

"...experimenting with a knife. ...I just got brave enough to actually try and cut my neck and wrist and even...stab myself." I was...a complete mess. "After that...Tohma didn't trust me alone at all. There wasn't ever a time he left me alone. He barely left me...and when he did he left me with Mika-chan. That was the time I got to know her. It was actually kind of fun talking with her and doing things like shopping and stuff together when Tohma did leave me with her. She also helped in my recovery. Along with Nori. It took a long time though for me to finally realize I needed to get back up and sing and laugh and write and be happy. In a way...I've never truly recovered. I'm split into many personalities and the only time I show my true self is around Tohma, because he's the only person who can bring it out. It was three years after, I was happy, I could sing, I could give it my all. I was finally reborn...I owe it all to my friends, but mostly Tohma...I owe him my life. I also owe much of credit to K as well...he helped too."

"...the gun happy American? Van Diesel with hair? What he do, threaten you?"

"No...you know...the funny thing is...he never pulled a gun on me. So I don't get it when people get all scared around him."

"You're lucky..." I guess Eiri and K had a bad experience...

"...well...anyway..." I get up and stretch. That was a long story...and I think I want to go to bed now. I wanted to actually go to bed after Tohma left...

"Where are you going?"

I turn around. "To get some water so I can go to bed...is that a problem?" does he still want to talk? If he does...geez...even I know when to quit.

"It is…" he gets up and wraps an arm around my waist, bringing me close. "I want to show you what it's like when someone fully cares and wants to be completely gentle." he leans in close, like really close… like, oh my god what are you doing?

"Eiri-" my eyes widen instantly as his lips press softly to my own. What...why is he...? "Hmm..." it's so light and...caring. ...I…I guess...I could...I could let him...my eyes slide shut while I let him lead me on to his bed and press me into the wall near.

I wasn't…expecting this. Oh…the blood is rising into my cheeks as I feel his hand sneak up my shirt.

He pulls away from me and stares deep into my eyes. I know I'm getting lost in them and my heart has this strange pull. I can't believe I'm actually doing this but I just don't want to stop him. Somewhere I know there is something really wrong about this. But…

I'm suddenly being lowered into the bed and kissed again. It's strange how light my heart feels. ...the butterflies in my stomach are going wild. I can't blame them.

He pulls away from me. I have no clue what to say. I wish we could read each others' minds right now. If he could read mine, it'd be a lot more coherent than anything I could say right now. What…do I even want to say? "Eiri…I…why…? I don't…understand-"

He silences me by putting a finger to my lips. "The words aren't necessary right now Ryuichi. I promise this is nothing like Yumi."

That's not exactly why I'm so confused though. I'm confused because…I tell him a story of my past lover after avoiding him for almost two weeks and then…he tells me he cares for me. …Is the only reason he didn't say anything was because of all the recent events? "But Eiri…something…something's wrong-mmmn." Wow, that could get old fast. I'm sorry but…who likes being interrupted. …though…gods…his kiss is so…amazing…

"Am I hearing this right? The great Ryuichi Sakuma is doubting love?"

I blush and turn away, only to hear him chuckle at me and bring our mouths together again.

This time though, even when I want to pull away, I can't as he puts his full weight on my body and we stay kissing.

"Nnh…"

He intertwines our hands as I feel his tongue slip past my lips.

Gods…

I haven't been kissed like this in so long…

…have I ever…?

"Ahh…" Eiri leaves our kiss only to move to my neck. I want to laugh and moan all at once since that spot's sensitive in both ways.

"Heh…"

"Wh-what are you laughing at…?" I try to squirm away when I feel my shirt come off but he holds me down after getting the material off.

"You."

"What did I-!?"

"You're adorable, but you ask way too many questions. Just go with something for once without being suspicious."

I look away from him, frowning. "I'm sorry…I'm just not…used to this…"

"And don't apologize either. I don't like it when you do that because you've usually done nothing wrong."

I want to say 'sorry' again, but I know I'll totally get teased or yelled at. Neither of which I want to deal-

"H-hey! I get what we're about to do! But did you really have to do something that embarrassing!?"

He snickers and pulls off his own shirt smiling at me before he leans down and suckles on my chest.

"Mā…!"

As I get lost in the motion, I suddenly feel cool fingers sliding into my jeans and I completely cry out, startling Eiri pretty bad.

"S-sorry…I'm not-"

"I know, I just thought I hurt you."

And as though that never happened Eiri goes back to caressing and fondling me anywhere his hands can take him…

He comes back to kiss me as I feel the coarse denim slide down my legs and off my body completely, and I arch into the cool air of my room but instead connect with Eiri's hips and gasp.

I hear him groan quietly and pull away from my lips once more, replacing tongue with fingers.

Moaning slightly at the salty digits moving around in my mouth, Eiri removes them and shifts them inside me.

"Mā…!"

Gods…not for so long…it hurts…

"Itái..!"

"It'll get better, promise."

"Mmmn…"

I'm blushing like mad and trying to tell my body not to move or pull away, but all I can concentrate on is how much this hurts.

But after what seems like half an eternity, I'm used to it and I feel Eiri lift my knees upon his shoulders and lean down over me.

I look up at him, slightly afraid, but I've learned to trust him almost as much as Tohma or K.

He smiles softly at me and I melt as he kisses me one last time while pushing himself into my body.

I can't help but clutch his arms or close my eyes and let two trails of tears fall from the immense pain of being stretched to my limits. And yet…

And yet I look up at Eiri and stare into his eyes and expression.

And I know…

I know more than ever that he cares greatly for me and this is someone I can afford to open myself up to. I can let him, Eiri, have everything and anything I can give him.

And that's when…

It all hits me.

_Can't get enough, it's more than words  
Don't let me down, I want it to be revealed  
One more night, even if a scar remains  
The eyes you look into were the first you saw_

More tears join the ones formed from pain, but they're not pain, and I smile back at him, wrapping my arms around his neck and kiss him with all my affection.

"Ryuichi?"

"I understand…I understand it all now…"

"What do you mean?"

"I just…it doesn't matter. All that matters is that I understand that…that I…"

Can I say it…?

"I love you…"

His eyes widen, and I almost think he's going to leave, but instead he cups my face gently in his hands and connects our foreheads.

"Ryu…"

I stare at him till he finally looks up at me, tears shinning in his eyes too.

"I love you…"

And we kiss as our passionate act begins, making me believe why so many say that the most divine moment in the world, is doing this with your beloved for the very first time…

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"So touching, too bad I was the only one who witnessed it."

I find myself sitting straight up in the bed again.

Oh gods no…not this again…

It's a dream Ryu, only a dream, it's ok, there's no one outside. There's no one there watching every move I make…

Ok, just get up and go splash some water on your face or something. It's ok…

I get up carefully watching the window from the corner of my eye as I head into the bathroom only three paces away.

All I need is something cool on my head.

I turn on the faucet, clearly avoiding the mirror as the cool substance runs smoothly down my face.

I stiffen a little when I hear the shower currents rustle behind me, but shrug it off remembering that Eiri opened the window in there after taking a bath together.

God what's _wrong_ with me?

Tohma's always told me this is just an irrational fear of mine…gods I'm almost forty and I'm still scared of things in my closet, or under my bed, or outside the window, or in the shower, or in the mirror…

I'm tired of having these things…

My head needs to get checked if not for those reasons alone…

I sigh as I remember I left the water running and turn it off finally looking at my shadowy reflection.

For once I need to just-

Everything is suddenly tense as my eyes catch something in the background of the mirror and my ears hear a scratching at the glass.

My pupils focus in on what's there.

Oh gods…!

It's that smirking figure…

The one from…!

The inevitable happens as my body begins to tremble, I go cold and I'm frozen completely to that spot, staring at the thing grinning maliciously at me through the reflection.

But then my brain tells the rest of me to do something I don't want it to.

I turn slowly and face the window fully…

And all I hear then is an uncontrolled scream that comes from my own mouth, while I cover my ears and sink to my knees, crying as loud as I can manage.

"Iié!! Iié!! Atchí e yukí nasái!! Atchí e yukí nasái!!! Tasŭkéte!!!"

"Ryuichi!?!"

"Ryu!?!"

My heart…it hurts…it won't stop pounding…oh gods please…help me…

I feel two sets of arms grab at me.

I push both away even though I know one of them so well.

"Iié! …iié…! Kamáwazu…ni oité… Kamáwazu ni oité…"

The two people next to me back off a little, but one comes back and embraces me gently.

"T…Tohma…"

I begin to cry and I grasp his shirt, and I hear myself talk, but it's neither English nor Japanese…

I'm so scared…

I can't even…

But I feel the other person in the room wrap their arms around my waist and whisper softly into my ear…

"It's ok Ryuichi…everything's ok."

For some reason I relax then, falling limp in both their grasps.

And then everything's just quiet for a while…

And I feel my conscious drift away from the room I broke down in…

So warm…

"Ryu…?"

My eyes snap open and I look up at Tohma who has somehow gotten up and turned on the lights without me noticing. Leaving Eiri to hold me.

"What happened Ryu? Are you alright?"

I shake my head and cling to Eiri. "I swear…I swear I saw…I swear this time I saw…someone…something outside the window…in the trees…I swear…"

I watch as Tohma goes over to the window, closing it and examining it all at once. Then come back over to us.

"Ryu…are you sure it wasn't a shadow or the wind?"

"I…I…"

I knew it…no one…ever believes me…

Or maybe what it really is, is that I'm afraid that Tohma knows…

My eyes widen at that and I start to struggle a little against Eiri.

"Ryuichi? Hey, what the-"

"I-I'm ok now…really. Please just…"

He lets go of me and I instantly try to stand but get really dizzy and fall over into the wall.

I hear them both move to come help, but I shake my head and go into the next room sitting down on my bed.

"Ryu are you-"

"I'm ok…really. …I'm sorry…for being so dumb. …I just get…really scared at night and…"

And I've betrayed you Tohma…

Tohma reaches out to touch my shoulder but I tense up and scoot back on the bed.

"Ryu-"

"I-I'm sorry…I really…really just need to be alone…"

"Alright. Eiri…"

I wait to hear them leave but it never comes, so I look up and see Eiri staring down at me…and he's so…upset…and angry.

"No, I'm not going to leave. Not when you were screaming for help and trembling on the floor like a new born rabbit."

"Please…"

"No. Clearly you-"

"Eiri please."

He stares at me, then sighs with frustration and leaves the room, Tohma following calmly after and shutting the door behind.

Gods…what am I going to do? …I…I slept with the man Tohma loves more than anything in the world. …I've betrayed Tohma…the one person who's been there for me more than anyone else in this world. …Gods…I'm going to hell just for this…

What do I do? …Maybe pretend it never happened…

But I…

We both confessed our love…

And I…truly meant it…

I do but…

Gods…there has to be a perfect place in the lower levels of hell for people who betray friends for someone they love…who the friend loves…

Gods…!

I don't know…what to do…

I wish…I was stronger…

_Dream_

_Ima no todokanu hikari no yukue_

Why am I singing this so slow? And why is Tohma watching me? Why isn't he up here playing with me? Where's Nori?

_Azaya ni mau omi o egakou_

Every things so confusing right now…it feels like the first time I sang. But even then…Tohma was up here with me. And Yumi…was in the crowd…cheering me on…

_Michicbiku kotoba ga koboreteshimawanu you ni_

I close my eyes. I can't see this anymore.

_Utsuru toki o osorenaide_

Tohma looks so sad…no! I'm going to keep my eyes shut!

_Todokau hakari no yukue_

Where am I singing this anyway? And why is only Tohma here?

_Azaya ni mau omi o egakou_

"Ryu."

What? Who is calling my name? It doesn't sound like Tohma…

_Michicbiku kotoba ga koboreteshimawanu you ni_

"Ryu, look at me"

I don't want to look…I don't want to see Tohma so sad…I don't want to remember!

"Ryuichi!"

I'm opening my eyes…

_Utsuru toki o osorenaide_

"Eiri…?"

He's looking at me…with those beautifully horrific piercing golden eyes of his…what did I do? "Exactly Ryu. Don't fear the changing times."

"What?" I don't fear them. Or…do I? I close my eyes again. Maybe I do fear change…

"Ryu..."

Why is Eiri here, now? Why is he telling me to not fear change? I don't think…I open my eyes once more. Wait…I'm not on the stage…I'm in a bed with Eiri…with him over me…w-what's going on? I don't remember being here! I'm scared…

"Don't be scared Ryuichi," he cups my cheek, his hand is so cold…and I feel so hot. "You know I'm not going to hurt you, so don't look so worried."

I am worried; I am scared…what's going on? Something is missing. …wait…where's Tohma!?

_End_

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_  
_

I wake with a start and cover my face with my hands.

Nothing's going right…

Ever since that night happened…

About four days ago now

I've not only been having more of them, but…

Eiri's gotten so aggressive…

I won't push him away when he comes to me at night. I just let it happen.

No…it's nothing like Yumi…

I mean he's rougher than…our first time together. But he isn't hurting me.

He comes in…and either seduces me or just down right pushes me on the bed then I practically pass out in his arms. Then I wake up and he's gone, but only to his own room.

And Tohma's been out so often…

He doesn't even tell us where he goes. He just makes us breakfast, says 'good-bye' then leave for the whole day.

…I keep trying to tell him about the things I've been seeing every night…

But he asks if I've been watching any horror movies lately, I say nothing and he takes that as a yes and pats me on the head then goes to bed.

Then the whole thing starts with Eiri…

And then I see something after waking up and find out that Eiri's gone…

…I can't win…

I don't understand how coming back here could make things so bad…

Why now…

Why this…I hate being so weak…

Gods…for once…

I just wish…

I could sleep…

Without having to worry about a stalker outside my window. Or Eiri being sad and upset with me.

…Or worst of all…

Tohma getting hurt by finding out…what Eiri and me have been doing…

And what we said that first night.

Even though…

Everything about it was real…

What I said was the truth.

But…I don't want to hurt Tohma…I can't…he's everything to me…

Damn it…I just wish…I knew what to do…

I need help…

But I don't know how to ask for it…

Please…someone…

I need help…

"Hey, get up."

"Nnh…?" what's…going on…? How long have I been sleeping…?

"We need to talk, so get up."

Oh no…

I pull the covers over my head and shut my eyes tight. …I don't want to think about this right now…Not again for the eightieth time…

"Hey! What the hell!? I'm trying to talk to you!"

I feel him tugging at my blankets and I clutch them around me tighter. For once can we go an evening without him having sex with me…?

"I don't want to right now! Tohma's probably still up and I don't want him knowing anything! I keep telling you that!"

"One, we have to tell him some time this millennium! And two, if Tohma's up right now, then he's crazier than I am. Its three AM Ryuichi!"

I let go of the sheets and feel them leave my body. "…Oh…" I didn't think I've actually been sleeping that long…

He climbs in next to me and I start to get out, but he grabs hold and forcefully embraces me.

"No! This just can't happen any more Eiri-"

Gods it gets frustrating after being interrupted a thousand times by him kissing me!! Geh!

"It can! And honestly, you don't know how much you're hurting both Tohma and me! Pushing us away isn't alright! Goddamn it Ryuichi!"

"I'm sorry I hurt you both! But the thing I keep seeing is probably my own conscious telling me that either Tohma already knows or he's going to find out!"

"Your right! We're going to _tell_ him instead of letting him find out different ways!"

"No! No! I don't want to hurt Tohma! I don't want him to find out!"

"Then why did you say you loved me!?!"

My body goes limp and everything suddenly goes numb, but Eiri's still talking…

"Was that a lie!? Because let me tell you right now, when I said it, I meant it! Completely! I love you Ryuichi Sakuma! And that's not going to change no matter how much you avoid me! I bet Tohma feels that way as well!"

My fingers are shaking, but then I realize all of me is shaking as I clutch Eiri's shirt and begin to cry.

"Watashí…"

"You what?"

"…I…I did mean it…I wasn't lying. …But I keep getting this image of Tohma crying…Tohma being hurt…all because of me…"

"Us. It wouldn't be just your fault; it takes two to tango Ryuichi."

"…I know but…"

"But nothing. What do you think Tohma would be more hurt about? Us telling him, or us never telling him, keeping it a secret, and then he finds out a way we don't want him to."

…I guess…he's right but…

"I just…don't want to see him cry…I don't want to hurt Tohma…"

"Ryuichi…"

We stay in silence, I'm not sobbing anymore, but the tears won't go away either.

"…What if we made a deal?"

"…deal?"

"Yeah. What if…I stopped smoking like you keep telling me to, and then, both of us have to talk to Tohma about this."

…I…that would…help a lot…I mean…then Tohma nor I would have to worry about Eiri's cancer starting up again…I…it's practically an unfair trade. …Eiri sacrificing more than me…gods…how…how can I say no?

"…Ok…we'll tell him. …Together. …But you have to keep your promise."

He smiles at me and I melt and am almost sure that it'll be ok. "As good as done. I kind of wish I got one more in, but what the hell. Might as well start now."

I smile back, and lean into the warm body protecting me. "Arigatou…ahske…"

"What does that word mean?"

Oops…I totally forgot that I'm the only Mercedes Lackey nerd here…geh. I love that word so much though. …I've always…wanted to call someone that… "Umm…it means 'beloved'. I…I got from one of the book series I read…sorry, if that bothered you."

"Actually, I liked it. I don't mind."

I blush and burry my face into his chest and start to drift off to sleep. My fears are still there but…I know Tohma wouldn't be mad at us for that…or Eiri would let me do it alone. …I guess…I just need to stay calm and let go for once…

I peak out from the door frame, Eiri behind me. My heart is racing and I'm really dizzy. …I bet the lack of sleep isn't helping this but…Eiri thought it would be better, if we caught Tohma before he started doing anything more than drinking coffee and reading.

"Eiri…"

"Don't give me that, I already want a damn cigarette, and there's no way you getting out of this now."

He pushes me out of my room and I try to gain my balance before I let Tohma know that both of us are in the same room…

So I walk out first, and I'm so stiff that it's hurting my joints a little.

But Eiri's right behind me, so I try to loosen a bit.

And then Tohma looks up at us, and my instinct almost is to run scared.

But it's Tohma…the person I owe my life to. The only person who's ever understood me. …Gods…I owe him everything. …Especially the truth…

"Good morning Ryu, Eiri. How are you feeling?"

I start to tremble again. I have _no_ words to spare, but I have to try. I have to make up for everything.

"Watashí…"

He blinks at me then smiles lightly. "Are you meaning to speak in Japanese?"

"N-no…I…I'm b-better. …B-but first I…I need to…I…I-I'm s-sorry Tohma…for what I've been doing the past week…I'm sorry." Gods I sound like an idiot…

"No worries Ryu. If that's why you're shaking-"

"N-no…it's not…I mean…it is some of the reason but…"

I hear Eiri sigh behind me and he forces me to sit down in a chair directly across from Tohma.

"Now stay there, god, I don't need you to fucking pass out…again."

"S-sorry…"

"Jesus…Tohma, I suppose both of us need to talk to you."

"Go right ahead."

Eiri sits down next to me and I feel his fingers intertwine with mine from under the table. Wait this is a glass table…what if…

"That night, before the whole mirror crisis, and while you were gone, Ryuichi and I were talking about…our pasts. Though, I guess we've been getting to know each other throughout the three months we've all been together, but that night we told each other the darkest parts."

I look up at Tohma through my hair and he's being just as understanding as ever. …Heck…he probably already knows where this is going…

"You two have gained a lot of trust and respect for one another."

"Yeah, very much so."

I know Eiri's looking at me, but I have no strength right now to look at anyone.

"You want to finish it off Ryu?"

I blush…he rarely calls me by my nick name. If Tohma doesn't know now…than the world's gone wrong…

"Tohma…we…we really…l-like each other…" gods…that's just like me to use such a small word. …Damn it Ryuichi Sakuma! By the Kumagaros within me, if I don't say what needs to be said, may lightening strike me dead! "What I want to say is…! …w-we love…each other…"

Oh gods awkward silence…I might be stricken down anyway.

"I see…"

Oh no…oh gods…that tone in his voice…damn it…I don't…want this…

"I'm very happy for you both. Congratulations."

"Thanks."

No not thanks. …Eiri…don't you hear how sad he is…? Damn it…!

Tohma…why…? …Why can I never…make you happy…? …why can I never…?

Damn it…once again the famous Ryuichi Sakuma screws everything up for everyone.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gods…it's so awkward. …We've had breakfast, but I've barely eaten a thing. No one's really talking but Eiri…and that's even more a twist of events…

And he's the one scolding me for not eating anything. …Gosh…maybe there is something wrong with this world…

I can't even drink juice today…

But I bet Tohma is worse…how can I even think about complaining when…I probably crushed all his dreams and his faith in me and…gods! I'm so sorry Tohma…!

No…no…don't cry…

"Unfortunately, I have some business to attend to. I'll try not to be too long, but I can't promise anything. I should at least be back later this evening or early tomorrow morning."

"Alright…is everything ok?"

Oh gods…is he…he's going away because of me…! No…! Please…I'm sorry…

"Yes, quite fine."

We watch Tohma get up and take our plates to the sink and wash them off at pretty much impossible speed then grab his keys and coat.

"I'll see you both later."

I'm up and clinging to his sleeve before he even opens the door. But I still can't look at him.

"Tohma…"

"Ryu, it's fine. No worries…just rest, you've been having many sleepless nights from what I know, so go sleep. I'll see you later."

And then…he leaves us…and…I don't know what to think…

Oh Tohma…I'm so…so sorry…

Heh…I think I'm almost back to the state I was in after I killed Yumi. Only…

I've killed a different person…

…A person who matters to me so much…it hurts…

I've killed his hopes…maybe he had a chance to being with Eiri…

Gods…I just kill everything.

Tohma…!

I have to…

Damn it!

I love Eiri…I do…

But I love Tohma…and I've loved him longer…

Still…they're both different loves…

I can't…

"Ryuichi? Are you going to hide from me forever?"

Yes…

No…

I just…have no clue right now…

"Ryu…"

I hear him lean against the door frame outside. It's funny how he already knows I've locked the door…

"Look, Tohma didn't leave because of you Ryu. He left because he needs time to think on us."

"…But what if he never gets over it…? What if I hurt him that much?"

I jump when he pounds on the door.

…I just can't make anyone happy…

"Goddamn it! It's _not_ your fault! If it's anyone's it's mine! It's mine because I just can't love Tohma the way he wants! I can't give him what he wants! Damn it! I can barely do anything for him! He does everything for me and won't let me pay him back in any way shape or form! Ryu…he expects nothing from me…you can't make someone happy…if they expect nothing from you…"

Oh Eiri…

"No one understands…I love Tohma. …But not the way he wants. …I want to love Tohma the way he wants me to…but I just can't. …I want to repay him…I want to show him the kindness he's always shown me…but I can't. …he won't let me…"

Eiri…

I get up and I open the door, and he's sitting there sobbing and my heart just…

Breaks…

"Eiri…"

I begin to cry and I kneel down and hug him. It's so easy to forget that I'm older than he is…

He's been the one protecting me…

I have to…give something back.

"Don't…don't you dare ever say it's your fault that Tohma's hurt. …Because it's not."

"But it's not yours either…"

"But it is…it truly, deeply is. That's really why I never wanted anyone special again…It's because I feel like I can never give anything back to them. …They're always…doing everything for me…"

"…you know…that's exactly how I feel…"

"Heh…ironic, ne?"

"Maybe a little. But, I've found other things more ironic than this."

"Really? What?"

"…That I'm older than you."

He looks up at me and I'm not sure what look is on his face but then he laughs. "I guess I understand that one. However, you have your moments."

"Yeah, but I always feel younger than everyone I've met. Even your brother."

"That's just because you're a total uke."

I blush and look away. "…so?"

"Heh, but I love you that way." He kisses me and once again I'm the one falling into his arms, seeking warmth and protection. …is that all I do to people…?

I'm still so unsure of myself…

I wonder if…

Anything will ever turn out right?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

No gods…not that dream again…

Damn it…

I'm on an emotional rollercoaster right now, begging to be let off, but no one's there to listen.

I'm having trouble breathing, and I'm hot but cold all at once.

I untangle myself from Eiri's arms and start searching for my clothes in the dark.

The last thing I want is for him to wake up and follow me.

I need to get away too. But it's not because of Eiri…

It's just…because of me. …if I can really…count on myself to handle any of this the right way.

But…I'll just take a walk…maybe the cool air will help me clear my mind…

I carefully sneak into the kitchen and grab my own set of keys and look for Kuma.

Wait…where is he?

…if he's back in my room, I really can't go back and get him.

Oh well…

Perhaps this is meant to be a solo act…

I wonder why I came here.

Eiri's old house…

The place Shu-chan…

I shake my head and walk closer staring at the hugs window that reveals upon the living room.

Gods, I can't even imagine how that must have been for Eiri…for him to come home…and see it before he even got to wondering how Shu-chan was doing.

…I shiver and I'm practically being drawn to the house.

…Going in wouldn't hurt would it?

I walk over to the front door and find it unlocked.

It creaks as I push open it to get in.

I look around for a light switch and flip it on, but nothing happens. Shoot…they probably cut the power from this place after Tohma forbade the relaters to sell it.

Oh well, there's a pretty big moon out tonight. So it's not like its dark or anything.

I'll just keep the door open…

I walk in more and freeze.

That spot right there…

That's where the rope was…where Shuichi…

I shake my head. Don't start freaking yourself out now…

So I stare out the window instead.

It is a very pretty night…

I sigh and close my eyes. …why did I come in here? What was the point?

…What Shuichi really didn't kill himself?

"What…?"

I must be going crazy. I mean sure there's something wrong about it, but…

There's a lot of things like that, but that doesn't make them any less true…

Maybe…I should just go back home. Eiri will really worry if he finds me gone. And I don't-

And then something catches my eyes.

I walk over, but instantly turn cold as I walk under the place where a friend once hung.

But I shake it off and bend down to pick up the thing between the cracks.

Oh gods…

This says…

Taki Aizawa…!?

No…oh gods…he…

And the pictures flash through my head.

Shuichi answering the door…Taki grabbing him and throwing the rope around his neck as he begins to strangle him. …Shuichi ripping off the necklace with the beds just before he falls dead and cold…Taki scattering to pick up all the beads but missing a few and this…

Oh gods…

Shuichi didn't kill himself…

"Shit…"

I clutch the small object in my hand and my entire being is telling me to run to the police-

But then I hear the door shut from behind.

What…

No, no…it's just the wind…

This isn't a horror movie Ryuichi…you're fine. Stop being paranoid. For heaven's sakes! This is important! Shuichi was murdered!

I turn and go for the door…locked?

…Perhaps I'm just…losing my mind…

It's fine, I'll just go out the back door.

I turn and walk through the kitchen to get to the back door.

But I swear I hear footsteps after mine…

I quickly look behind me and, but see nothing but the moon light glaring at me for coming here.

"But at least I found out what really happened, no one can scold me for that."

I hear laughter and my blood begins to pump and the hair on my neck stands at end as I run and grip the handle.

Why won't it open!?

"Let me out!"

"We can't have that Ryuichi-san."

I scream. Stop, stop!! Stop it now mind!

I run into the hallway, but I don't even know where to go!

But I find myself in the bathroom, crying and slamming it, fumbling to lock it in the dark.

"Please…please this has to be some stupid trick my mind's making up…I'm fine…everything's fine…"

Deep breaths…deep breaths…

I lean on the sink and look up.

No…no! Not another mirror!

I squeeze my eyes tight and grope for the faucet and finally turn it on, splashing cool water on my face.

Keep calm…everything's ok…

It'll all be fine…

I inhale deeply and finally look up into the mirror, seeing only my pale flushed face barely illuminated by the moon light behind.

…Why do I always find the bathroom, not only with a mirror but a window?

I place my head in my hands.

"After this…I really need to go see a psychologist."

I lean on the wall next to me and feel the breeze from outside. Probably just a crack in the window…it's relaxing me all the same.

"How are you doing Ryu-san?"

"_Iié!!!!_"

No, no!!

"Let go! _Let go!!!_"

I shove the hand on my shoulder away and fumble the door open and I _run_.

But this time I know someone's behind…I'm not making this up…I am going to die…

And that's when I'm pulled back against the stalker, seizing my wrists in one gloved hand and forced against the wall as I feel something stabbed into my arm.

Oh gods…they're poisoning me!

Oh no…I feel weak…gods…help me…

"Wow, for such a peaceful guy, you sure are hard to contain."

My throat feels constricted and I'm having trouble breathing as I sink to the floor with the man still holding on to me.

"It took you long enough to get here. I was starting to think my plan would never work."

He's whispering into my ear and I want to push him away, but everything's numb and painful all at once.

"You like my poison? It's quite clever isn't it? It makes sure your victim can't move, but the nerves are enhanced to feel pain ten times as much. …Maybe not ten times, but it still makes sure you'll feel pain loud and clear. Want to test that for me Ryu-san?"

"…nnh…nnn…!"

"Poor thing, too bad you have to get involved. I admire you, you know. Who doesn't? You're like the untouchable god of all musicians. Heh, isn't it ironic then that I'm touching you right now?"

I feel his other hand slide over my neck and then over my shirt.

"Unfortunately though, you just had to be mixed up with Seguchi. Therefore, is the reason why you have to be hurt."

I whimper, I cant do anything right now except let tears flow down my face and on to this man's hand.

"You know, it's too bad too. However, Seguchi has a thing about ruining people's lives. I could have gotten over that fucking brat and the damn writer, but Seguchi. God, Seguchi destroyed my life! That's something I shall _never_ forgive."

I feel him shift behind me and feel something press against my throat and I try to move my neck the only thing that happens is I _scream_.

He laughs long and hard even when I stop and become weaker in his grasp, gasping for air.

"So, it does work. Too bad I couldn't warn you before it happened, but oh well. Anyway, back to issue at hand. You see, I've been planning this for a very _long_ time. You see, I killed Shuichi then waited for all three of you to come back here so I could follow your every move, and watch everything you did. Which, by the way, you and Yuki-san put on quite a show for me. I must thank you for that."

His hand runs up over my thigh to the top of my jeans and I feel sick that he's even thinking about this while plotting my death.

"However, like a good little pawn, you ended up here after being driven mad after telling Tohma you two were an item. All of you played the game exactly how I wanted you to. So congrats, perhaps I should give you your prize Ryuichi-san."

I start to tremble when the dagger runs down from my throat to my chest.

…I'm going to die…right here…in this man's arms…without ever being able to tell Tohma or Eiri how much I love them or care for them. …How much I owe them…

Oh gods…

Tohma…I'm so sorry…

Then there's a sudden event of movements and nothing but pain…

Nothing but darkness…

Nothing but regret…

Tohma…

Eiri…


End file.
